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I’ve never once thought that Akaike deserved even a single good memory before Toue transferred, so that’s proof it was a lie.
"No way. I hate how he looks, he's all flabby."
Toue denied it lightly, pinching the flesh at my side and smiling. Is it because I'm not flabby that she plays with me? If that's the case, there are plenty of those around, you know? Especially, look, that kid with a body like a raft, all bones sticking out, he’d be a great pick, I thought to myself, and then,
"Judging people just by their appearance isn't good, or so they say in the world—" "What are you talking about? Appearances are there *to* judge people by. If not, then what's the point of having an appearance?" I swallowed the fragment of "You've got a point there, though," which I was about to continue with, and started wondering what to say to a dead-serious Toue. In the end, the words that came out were, "Hmm, well, I guess so, but..."
But, because Mii and Maa were doing their best to bunny-hop their way across my brain, the rest of the sentence ended up spilling from my mouth.
"There are kids who don't care about looks... and really just want what's inside."
Though it seems none are floating in this pool. Maybe they're taking a nap right now or something. "Who's that? Are you trying to say they're *your* friend, Ese-kun?"
Toue retorted, exuding a subtle displeasure.
"Yes, that is my intention."
We spoke politely to each other, as if possessed by foreigners. Toue was the first to succeed in her exorcism.
"Keep your lying in moderation, okay?"
"Huh?" Hearing something so fundamental, I dropped my act too.
"I'm the only friend you have, Ese-kun. No talking in your sleep, got it?"

[...]
The blazing sun was a backlight, and Toue’s expression and figure were about half-eaten by the light and shadow.
"Hey, um, Ese-kun. Won't you transfer schools with me?"
My eyes became tennised. No, I mean, my eyes became dots. Toue grabbed me and pulled me closer.
"If you stay here, you'll just keep getting bullied."
"Uh, no, Hamana-san, *you're* the cause of that," I thought. You can't just forget that, you know.
"You get it, right? The same thing will happen even when you go to middle school. So it's better for you, Ese-kun, to go somewhere else and live there." She shook my shoulders back and forth.
Toue’s like one of those salespeople who sell English learning materials. Her name even sounds like TOEIC. Not that it’s related, though.
"If this keeps up, you'll go bald from stress!"
"If that happens, I'll become a monk and be a shut-in at a temple."
"You'll get a hole in your stomach!"
"Perfect for a diet!"
"You can just become one of our family's kids!" Don't just smoothly ride the flow of conversation to suggest that.
".....No, that's impossible, right?" If her family was just Toue, there might still be a chance, though.
Toue grinned, her cheeks relaxing as if she'd touched the phantom of a commitment.
"Dad said, 'If Toue and that kid are okay with it, then it's fine~!'"
I suspect that's probably just her father's way of dealing with his persistent daughter, though.

There aren't many kids who would just say, "Okay, let's go!" in that situation.
"Please don't treat me like moving luggage."
I gently refused and returned Toue's hand to the water.
When I tried to swim off into the unsalted ocean to deflect, she pinched the flesh of my arm and held me back. "That hurts!" It was such a fierce pinch it felt like she was trying to scrape my bones.
"Why?" Pouting, looking blank, Toue the water balloon thrust the question at me.
"Hamana-san, you're always asking 'why.' Try thinking for yourself for once." It's easier that way, mainly for me. "An-swer-me—!"
She'd turned into a spoiled brat. If this kept up, she looked like she might cry, and our bully-victim relationship would reverse.
It was late in the game, but this was the first time I truly accepted that Toue was younger than me.
"Why, you ask? Because in this town, there's still— Habu-fua-eie-oi!"
I had the illusion that a rocket had been mounted on the back of my neck.
Attacked with that much force, I sank underwater. And at the bottom, my head was being ground down—judging by the feel, there were toes too, I was being stomped on. I wonder if they mistook me for a sesame seed or something.
My forehead was being scraped by feet that were far from pestles—more like the kind that would get athlete's foot—pressing down with gravity. The sound of bubbles escaping my mouth became a feast for my ears. But being force-fed too much at once, just because I couldn't digest it all didn't mean I should share the discomfort with other departments. My flailing hands went wild and started clawing at my ears.
The gurgling of bubbles fled barefoot, but the scraping sound just took its place, so the situation didn't change.
Gradually, from the corner of my eye, a light too bright to reflect anything began to seep in.
Around the time it covered more than half of me, the foot was removed from my head.
They probably weren't giving much thought to my remaining oxygen levels. It was someone else's problem, after all.
I felt like a piece of calligraphy paper after the paperweight's been removed. Unable to move any part of my body on my own, likewise.
I waited to float up on my own, in the white darkness reflected in my open eyes. In the world of a few minutes from now, I might have become a drowned corpse. As if to blow away such worries and jokes, I was kicked in the torso and hauled up to the surface.
My hair was grabbed in a bunch, and my face was toyed with like a water polo ball.
My body felt many times heavier than usual. Got to get oxygen. Ah, water, blood in my head, getting in the way.
The water dripping from my hair made it hard to see in front of me. It blurred over and over, and I started to not care anymore.
Once it got to that point, I understood.
It was Akaike. And around him, other... classmates... who liked... Toue.
Ah, yeah, if I got body-slammed or stomped on by Akaike, who seemed like he was two weight classes above me, the damage... would be... immense. My head felt like it was snapping off from lack of oxygen.
Right now, I could feel my bra-in, split, in two.
My hair was, pulled, harder, it hurt. And, and, to Toue,
he was gleefully showing off my wound,
"Look, hey, at this dis-gusting wound! This guy definitely had his brain messed with. Otherwise, there's no way he'd turn into such a creep! Hamana, you think so too, right? You were just playing with him out of morbid curiosity, weren't you? Why the hell have you been trying to stop me, when you were the one bullying him! Hamana, you're weird too! Did your mom or someone scramble your brains like his? Ah, so that's why you're interested in someone like this, ah, I see! Good thing you're transferring! 'Cause if you didn't, you probably would've ended up killing people with this guy! And also!"
On and on, on and on, he just kept going.

......You know... You know,
Ka-BOOM! You're leaving too many fingerprints on my heart, you... I'm, just kidding, a mess of nothing but trauma, just kidding, by nature, just kidding, an insect, just kidding, I've seen nothing but dead bodies, just kidding, I'm used to seeing how they're made, just kidding, if there's an order, just kidding, I can make one easily, just kidding, this time, just kidding, I'll be the one giving the orders, just kidding.
But without the "kidding." Extracting just the "just kidding," I hum it.
Kick and punch and hit and scrape and gouge and knead and make a ruckus, si-i-ink the bi-ig o-o-one, what's done up top is o-o-ver no-o-ow. To your rightful place, wel-come ho-o-ome,
Mmm-hmm-hmm—hmm—hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm—mmm-mmm-mmm—mmm-mmm-mmm—mmm-mmm-mmm—mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm—Mmm!! Mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm—mmm-mmm-mmm—mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm—mmm-mmm-mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm— Yes, underfoot, oops, and you right beneath me too, let's all join in!
The bubbles at my feet, go—ma bo——go—go—bobobobobo—go——gogo—ma—go—bobo—go—ha ho—go—ha hobobobobobo—gogo—! Bu—kuku—bubu—kukuku!
Hmm? (I'm cupping my ear to li-i-isten.) Can't hear you anymo-o-ore? Everyone, follow me-e-e! No-o-o? But I'm gonna go-o-o, no matter how hard it gets to brea-eathe, ready, set,
# - ###### - # - # - ## - # - # - ## - # - ## - # - ######## - # # —! Hmm?
It's a little too hard to breathe, isn't it? Guehho? Geho, hoggo-hokya.
My eyeballs rooolled around, whites turning to black. A slimy, viscous liquid was desperately trying to crawl out from inside my body, making me feel absolutely awful, but the trampoline of my consciousness tore, and my feet touched the ground.
For now, the suffocating feeling, enough to kill me, continued.
And no wonder—Toue was strangling my neck from behind with her own hair. Partly because her hair was wet, it was a "just fit" around my neck, and with that, I was coming ba—, ba—, going to die— "Give!" I managed to utter, putting so much force into it that it felt like only my temples might soar into the sky. Toue sensed she'd gone too far and loosened the hair-rope, or whatever it was. Then, she took two steps back.
She pulled back. There was distance. I knew it was the end of the term.
It's fine, though. Not like it matters.
"Ah—, ah—, ah—?"
Blood dripping from my forehead created red ripples in the pool. Drawn by that, I looked down.
Akaike—like a meatball that wasn't a treasure, looking like I'd sunk him—was at my feet.
If this were dry land, it would be fine, but this is a pool, so that means it's the bottom of the water.

The ringing in my ears and the sound of cicadas were awful. And also, the screams of those around who had noticed Akaike.
Akaike, caught in the pool drain, wasn't floating up.
Deciding it was probably because they were scared of me, I tried to put some distance between us and escape somewhere.
But my right leg wouldn't kick the water.
Since I couldn't move, I thrashed, sending up splashes, but the other side was still far away.
My hat, which had been taken and was floating on the water, also drifted further and further from my hand, escaping.
What the heck, I searched for the cause in the sky, my surroundings, a loudspeaker, inside my heart.
Ah, there it was.
Akaike was desperately gripping my ankle and wouldn't let go.
But he wasn't pulling, just clutching it tightly.
It was doubtful if he even had any will left.
Even in the cold water, that hand felt oppressively hot.
......Ah, the hand let go.
A teacher who had hurriedly dived in pushed me aside and submerged into the pool to help Akaike.
There, finally, at long last, belatedly, I regained my self-awareness.
Of why I had wanted to live in a mental hospital.
My eyes met with Sugawara Michizane, who was standing frozen in the distance. Pool water spilled from my nose, mouth, and eyes.

Akaike was taken to the hospital, and I was taken inside the elementary school, which had been liberated by summer vacation.
The deserted hallway ended. The reception room next to the staff room. A cramped, small room. The persistent smell of leather, like it was foaming and clinging to the tip of my nose. I realized it was coming from the sofa I was now sitting on. Thanks to that, my sleepiness abated a little.
A weariness and fatigue, as if my head itself had gone for a swim in the pool. Every time I blinked, I wanted to just keep my eyes closed. My eyelids were heavy. When I looked down, lukewarm drops trickled from my bangs.
"Are you even listening! With that dazed look on your face, you're not reflecting on anything, are you, you little shit!"
At words that weren't directly adult-like, I raised my face. Their outlines were blurred by the light; every single one of them looked beautiful.
Akaike's mother and my homeroom teacher were sitting side-by-side, squawking away. The one who had just spoken to me was Akaike's mother (henceforth, Aka-haha). The teacher was outwardly trying to calm Aka-haha, gently cautioning her about her language.
Aka-haha was making an unreasonable demand of the teacher: to create a class just for me. Isolate this rotten orange in a space where just the teacher and I face each other, like now, was that it?
I was alone; no guardian was by my side.
My uncle and aunt are involved with people's lives, so they couldn't come right now.
Aka-haha also made my aunt and uncle targets of her criticism. It seemed she couldn't fully explain just how foolish I was and what a bad influence I was for her dear boy's education by focusing only on me. Just kidding, though.
Like mother, like son, huh? I shrugged my shoulders. And I, too, am the child of a father like that.
What kind of people are in your family? Murderers, dead bodies, stuff like that.
What kind of person are you? The leftovers from that.
What was inherited? Personality, propensity for violence, morality, and, um...
"Anyway, please do something about this child! Having a kid like this is the same as letting a heinous criminal into the school! You should just hurry up and move him up to fifth grade!"
Ah, she's making a fuss again. An animal frolicking inside a cage of flesh.
A crude spectacle. If my little sister saw it, she'd probably mistake it for food.
"My child isn't physically strong, you know!" she says. Oh dear, madam, you're joking, right? That's a good one.

......Still, it's so noisy. Noisy enough to make me want to stuff my ears with pool water.
Even the teacher has a fed-up look on her face.
Just like when I kicked back at Akaike, I decided to talk back, just once.
I should have drunk pool water, but my throat was dry and tight.
Even so, my voice flowed down from somewhere else.
For example, my eyes. Like tears.
"Instead of doing this,"
Aka-haha's distortion touched my distortion.
Mix together, melt together, become a line.
"You should just stay by your child's side."
If you're their mother.
Just like my father, you kno-o-ow.
Keh-keh-keh. Keh-keh-keh. Keh-keh. Keh-keh.

I don't remember when I was released after that.
But when I came to, I'd taken a bath, eaten dinner, and was dozing in my futon.
Aka-haha didn't come storming over to my aunt and uncle's house with daily protests, and a simple summer vacation enveloped me. I even worried a little, and hoped a little, that humanity had perished.
But, I could hear the music for radio calisthenics, and my aunt would call my name from downstairs.
Humanity has not declined. No special treatment like an eternal summer vacation was prepared for me.
So, until summer vacation ended, I focused on recovering my functions. Without stepping outside even once, I did homework in the morning, and in the afternoon, I practiced.
I practiced moving my eyes normally by focusing on things outside the window.
I conversed with my aunt so my ears could catch human words.
So my heart wouldn't end up hurting many things, I planted seeds of reason.
Only the last one was a lie, impossible, and utterly hopeless, though.
Most of the time, other than practice, I sat blankly with my eyes closed. The fatigue from that pool incident still hadn't completely left me, and my body had become more plant-like than animal-like.
Forever, a brand like reddish-bronze scrap in front of my forehead wouldn't disappear.
The ringing in my ears and the sound of water seeping into holes kept my exhaustion vivid.
Days passed, indifferent to Obon, the anniversary of the end of the war, or August 31st.
But just once, there was a day of ambition that aimed for something special through a big change.
It might have been a dream. But I think it was close to reality.

I met Toue, who had neither her school backpack nor her pool bag, just once.
"Ya-ho-o-oi, Ese-kun! How are you? Nope, not good, huh? That's just like you, Ese-kun, perfect!"
"It's really ho-o-ot in this room, huh? There are no games or any-y-ything."
"Modern kids just can't stand this-s-s. ......Oh well, whatever. Ese-kun's here, so."
"......Um, well, I'll tell you before I transfer, okay?"
"I was the one who said we should bully you, Ese-kun. That was pretty obvious, wasn't it?"
"Why, you ask? Aren't you listening? No, you *better* listen."
"You see, I... I wanted to have you all to myself, Ese-kun."
"......I just took a liking to you the moment I saw you. I don't even know the reason anymore."
"So, I tried bullying you, Ese-kun. That way, you'd be alone, Ese-kun. And then, I, your friend, would make my entrance."
"The 'Desert Oasis Plan,' or something? I thought it up and tried putting it into action, but..."
"It wasn't very effective, was i-i-it? I guess it was bad that I was doing both parts myself, huh?"
"If there were two of me, I could have made it a bit more interesting."
"Without having to go out of my way to get bullied myself too, and act all alo-o-one."
"A self-scripted performance, you know? For example, my desk, the day after I went to your place, Ese-kun."
"That stuff, where I was being bullied? I did that myself. Ah, so you noticed, Ese-kun, just as I thought. With that, I tried to make everyone think it was okay to bully me. I thought it would go better, though."
"......Hmm, but you know, it's not just my fault that it failed, right? I'm sure part of it was that you were alone from the very beginning, Ese-kun. And you wanted that, Ese-kun. Right from the start."
"Sorry for misreading you. Huh, is this the first time I've apologized to you, Ese-kun?"
"Oh... Are you sleeping? Tired? Oh dear, you've fallen sideways."
"Can I try giving you a lap pillow or something? I'll borrow your head, okay?"
"Wow, your head's small. Ese-kun, are you really older than me?"
"......But you know, Ese-kun, you'll get bigger eventually."
"You seem like you'll get bigger than me, once you're in middle scho-o-ol or something."
"I'd like to see that version of you too, Ese-kun."
"If it's you, Ese-kun, I feel like I wouldn't mind being looked down upon."
"......Ese-kun? Are you alive? Can I pick your ears for you so you listen up?"
"I'm going to make a promise now, so listen carefully."
"When we become adults, I'll come to see you, Ese-kun."
"So, you know, Ese-kun. Until you become an adult, you can't die, okay?"
"Once you meet me one more time, you can die right after that, it's fine."

When the second semester began, my seat was moved back to the front.
The seat behind me was empty, and it looked like there wouldn't be an extra handout anymore.
"Ah, uh, good to have you back."
Kaneko gave me an awkward welcome, unchanged from before. The fact that his attitude was consistent despite what happened with Akaike made my shoulders feel somehow lighter; maybe he was a pretty straightforwardly good guy.
"Mm, good to be back," I replied, shaking off the surrounding attention and taking my seat.
The feel of the chair, even though it was my own, wasn't stable.
Incidentally, the seat next to mine was also vacant.
Akaike was, for the record, alive. If he had died, I probably wouldn't be coming to school, so that much was correct.
But he really had become a school refuser. As long as I was around, he didn't want to go to school—this time, it seemed he'd said so from the bottom of his heart. Since the cause was clear this time, the teacher didn't ask me anything. ......Yes.
Just as Toue had said, Akaike-kun was convenient. I was able to obtain what I wanted by taking away Akaike's ability to attend school.
It seems I'm better at using Akaike than Toue was.
Toue seems pretty bad at that kind of petty trickery. For example, the self-scripted bullying at her desk. That happened the day after Toue came to my house. But at that time, Akaike, the new leader of the bullies, was absent from school. Since they wouldn't act without their leader, it was completely obvious that Toue had done that to her desk and indoor shoes herself.

It was a carefree state of affairs.
There were no more classmates who would pick a fight with me.
They were all the sort who had been bullying me out of sheer inertia.
Different from Toue, who had attacked me while understanding I was something to be feared.
The meaning of my not coming to school for a year.
The fact that I had been hospitalized in a mental institution and was still attending it.
As "seeing is believing," they had finally understood that I was far more dangerous than any hearsay, so they became indifferent to me.
It took surprisingly long.
"Finally," my small fist clenched.
I had successfully defended my solitude. Living alone is so easy, so against the reality that I *must* live some other way, I erected a wall of lies.
What's there is the makeshift sense of liberation that comes from having a wall in a place even my outstretched hand can't reach. Other than that, there's nothing. I don't have any kind of complex heart.
I bit the inside of my cheek.
I hugged my school backpack.
".......That's why,"
I,
to the Toue who would never come to see me again, waved my hand and said, "See you."

Autumn: The Ant and the Sister's Bicycle Basket
What I encountered in autumn was.
A memory that has no place in my recollections.

I, who should have been walking normally at the very end of the line, had gotten lost without ever breaking that normality.
Since no one was around, I took off my hat and let the trapped heat mingle with the fields and mountains. Then, I followed a gecko walking at my feet with my eyes. The small stones rolling at key points seemed to be an obstacle for it.
"......Hmm."
That's right.
With a too-natural lack of foreshadowing, I'd been returned to nature. Little birds went "pii-hyorororo," it smelled of earth, and my vision was obstructed by trees—deep in the mountains. If I were a wild child, I could immediately start playing Tarzan, but unfortunately, I'm merely a local kid who prefers persimmons to bananas, so I'm more in a "Boy's Own Drifting Chronicle." I end up resorting to meaningless solo games like looking up at the sky and saying, "Hmm, the direction is......... up, down, left, or right, take your pick." The sky above had already quickly changed its attire from the clear weather we had when leaving the elementary school, and was becoming a bit cloudy. Even though my spirits were actually lifted by being alone, what an inconsiderate fellow it was for not reading the mood. Just kidding, though. The sky is air itself, so it should just do as it pleases.
In other words, what I want to say is, "I want to become air too—or rather, have I already become it?" Considering my role as the background character in the classroom, I wonder if my classmates and teachers, currently on this field trip somewhere in these mountains, have even noticed I'm gone.
October 10th. Health and Sports Day. At our elementary school, for some reason, instead of a sports festival, it was field trip day. But this literal "long walk" from the elementary school to the foot of the mountain, I think, sufficiently incorporates elements of a sports festival too. Because not only my group—a collection of unwanted kids in the classroom (I mean, I ended up being the group leader, so that tells you something)—but even the lively group at the center of the class (with Kaneko and a girl named Biwashima) had to walk a distance that made everyone fall silent partway through.
First, we walked relentlessly from the elementary school gate. The number of silent people increased after we turned at a slightly large arare factory, and then we continued up a slope with no houses in sight. Around the point where everyone's good sweat had mostly turned into unpleasant sweat, we entered a mountain path with a "Sharp Curve Ahead" warning and an old, faded sign (with "Beware of Something!" and a picture of an animal), and from there, the program was to walk a detour all the way around the mountain to the ropeway station.
Everyone, except the teachers, was walking with their heads down. I was doing the same. Like a typical Japanese person, I should have been acting in unison with everyone. And yet, I, who hadn't become such a fool as to blindly play along, grew tired of being lumped together and, before I knew it, had become a one-man group, wandering the mountain.
Hadn't I (and everyone else) noticed too late? I couldn't help but think so. But conversely, I could also think that this proved I had firmly become air at school, which made me somewhat happy. To be able to break away from group life and be alone—I think, if I do say so myself, that I'm enjoying an incredible luxury.
And I, too, must have had remarkably little interest in my surroundings and the field trip, I first felt. Standing alone in a place that was a collection of dirt, stones, and trees—not even on a path that animals (like rabbits or raccoons) would use to avoid human eyes, but far off the normal mountain trail—I was, by all appearances, a lost child.
At this rate, my report card this time will also say, "Lacks cooperativeness." At the end of July, even I, who had hardly come to school at all, was given something called a first-term report card.
I recall Hamana Toue snatching it from me while saying, "Let me see," and it was full of nothing but "◇"s, nearly getting thrown into an irrigation channel. Incidentally, Toue's report card had many "◯"s and said she was a good kid, which strongly appealed to the fact that the teacher had no discerning eye. (Translator's Note: ◇ is used here to represent a symbol for poor grades/absences, and ◯ for good grades, as is common in Japanese report cards.)
While still sitting, I reached out and idly grabbed the stalk of a tall blade of grass within reach. I tried pulling it, pushing it, swinging it around, and pinching it. The last two are lies, though.
Ah, come to think of it, about two days ago, a letter came from that very Toue. (Lying, though.) The address was unreadable (the place name was like a form of harassment to me), but it was a place quite close to here.
"Um, the contents were........." I scratched the tip of my nose with my index finger, vaguely recalling.
"'Hiya, Ese-kun. Ah, no need for a reply, 'kay? Your letters seem su-u-uper boring. Really, I don't need one. Well then, bye-cha!'"
"......Yeah, I think it was something like that."
It was short, just like my essays, but Toue was bad at Japanese too, so I guess that's about right. "It shows her free spirit, unconcerned with things like narrative structure," is what a teacher would surely praise.
When I pulled my hand away from the grass stalk, I wondered if my skin would get cut if it got vigorously entangled with the leaves, so I tried it. I let go quickly, and a sharp heat adhered to it. The inside of my index finger, at the second knuckle, was faintly cut. Just as I expected.