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Ahem, after a light cough.
“……………Nya? Mii-kun, what’re you lookin’ at? You have to look at Maa-chan, or else—”
It seemed she could see my face even in this darkness, as she roughly adjusted its direction…
…Conversely, *you* should be looking at *me*.
Treating my headache and the spinning in my head as separate issues, my thoughts and my brain split in two. One half narrated, the other deceived.
The me that should narrate touched upon just one thing, a matter I was reluctant to give up on.
“Maa-chan,” I called again.
“Mii-kun!”
No, enough of that.
None of it matters anymore.
“A long time ago, when you were locked in the basement, Mii-kun was there, wasn’t he?”
“Yup! He protected me lots and lots!”
*That was me, you know.*
Though, looking at Maa-chan now, I can only wonder if I truly managed to protect her at all.
“That… was me.”
It was hard to tell in the darkness, but Maa-chan seemed unresponsive to my words.
If she’d feigned ignorance with a “Huh?” or something, I’d planned to drop this topic immediately. Now, how was I supposed to bring this to any kind of resolution? For the first time in a while, I wanted to rely on that thing called ‘reason,’ but, in the end…
“I was… Mii-kun. From partway through. Because that’s what you wanted from me, Maa-chan. And I was okay with that.”
Because I’d been able to do what I needed to do. If not for that, even this twisted version of a heart I have now probably wouldn’t have formed.
“But, you know, something like a sense of camaraderie started to grow in me… Enough that I’d sometimes remember the times you used to call my name, Maa-chan.”
Terrified of Maa-chan’s reaction, I kept talking.
“I was supposed to have survived. My little sister’s mother was supposed to have saved me. But the one who’s dead… is me.”
Even I couldn’t distinguish between what I was thinking in my heart and what I was saying out loud.
“I’m not the Mii-kun of now. The real Mii-kun has already forgotten about you, Maa-chan, and is probably having fun playing soccer or something. I think that’s fine in its own way. The one who’s most hung up on the past is…” *Me.* “…Maa-chan. Maa-chan can’t forget the kind Mii-kun, but something like that is…” *Nothing, nothing, nothing, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere…* “…no longer left.”
All that’s left in your head is a wildly scribbled image of Mii-kun.
I verbalized the whispers of reason, far from any logical argument, and spoke, trembling uncontrollably.
It was the groundwork for depicting a pattern of failure, one that couldn’t be contained by labels of right or wrong.
“Hey, Maa-chan. Do you remember… me—”
“Aeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”
“Eh?”
A long, long, long, drawn-out scream, one that could shatter a heart, struck the air with the force of a magnitude six earthquake.
I seriously thought my eardrums would burst, and at first, I feared some other creature had burst into the darkness. A kappa? Or a tsuchinoko?
But then I realized that the sound coming from directly above my face, a melody more unpleasant than grinding teeth, was originating from Misono Mayu. Immediately after that realization, Maa-chan’s flailing knee kicked my head, and we both tumbled around the cramped room, slamming various parts of our bodies against the walls. Both of us?
The scream was so unrecognizable, more like a raw sound, that it was automatically reconstructed as an “incomprehensible noise.” Maa-chan’s cry, her wail—it was impossible to describe otherwise.

Her whole body trembled more finely than a heartbeat as she dug her nails into the floor, tearing at it. Tearing at the floor, at herself. The smell of stomach acid rapidly filled the room. Maa-chan was throwing up.
I inched towards Maa-chan like a looper caterpillar. Her thrashing arms and legs automatically intercepted me, and my face felt like it would burst. The sole of her foot struck my eyeball directly, and I could no longer even properly see the time.
Something flew at my face, grazing it with a *zip*. It was a fragment of Maa-chan’s nail, the result of her clawing the floor so hard that about half of it had snapped off.
What is this thing?
What kind of creature is it?
The pounding in my spine wouldn’t stop. This thing that single-handedly created an atmosphere so suffocating I felt like I’d swallow my tongue and die, and then served it up to me—what in the world was it?

“What should I do?” Hey, me. Amano-kun.
What is this? What’s happening to Maa-chan?
So that’s why I couldn’t see it.
What can I even do now? There’s no way I can protect her like this—no, that’s a lie. Even if I were perfectly healthy, what could I save the current Maa-chan *from*? Go on, try! You don’t know, do you?! “I don’t know!” Shut up!
I crawled. “Aagh, ugh…” Groaning, by my own strength. As always, as if trying to resist within a low level of completion, not even properly thinking about just living like an insect. Had the door to the room I was confined in not been completely closed? When I slammed my forehead against it, it opened a little. I shoved my shoulder in and went out of the room.
Outside was overflowing with sunlight, and my murky eyeballs, like those of a living corpse, felt like they were melting, rendering me blind. But my eyes quickly recovered, and at the same time, reality brought itself as a souvenir to the depths of my body.
So, what do I do now that I’m out? Call for help. Who? My aunt? How do I call? I can’t move, you know. My hands and feet are tied, I can’t even brush my teeth or go to the bathroom by myself—whoa, that’s terrible! What am I doing?! I have to help Maa-chan! Maa-chan won’t help me with anything! Is she the kind of girl who *can* be helped?! Don’t rely on her! Because, “Well…”
Relying on people is like a transaction, isn’t it?
There’s a price. If someone helps you, you have to offer something in return.
When my little sister’s mother saved me, I lost my name. Who ate it? My ears? My mouth? My heart? Maa-chan? The knife that stabbed my little sister’s mother? I don’t know anything like that.
Dragging myself, I aimed for the entrance in my vague memories, my body scraping along the floor. The living room floor was cold, its hardness and roughness, not much different from the ground outside, abrading me. Along the way, when I found a large number of wilted cut flowers, I briefly considered whether I should bite them to shreds on the spot.
Repeating the action of slamming my chin on the floor and pulling my body forward, I somehow managed to reach the entryway. Past my and Maa-chan’s shoes, to the bottom of the door, I came, and so?
Even if I hit my head, I’m just proving I’m an idiot.
The doorknob is too high! My head, unable to use my hands or feet, is completely useless, isn’t it!
Aha, ahaha, this is all I am. This is the extent of me!
I’m a child, not strong enough, not smart enough, can’t laugh or cry or get angry, I’m selfish and don’t want to borrow anyone’s strength, but I can’t live without borrowing it, yet I can’t borrow it, and it’s extremely doubtful if I can even go on living!
There’s no one to help me, and I have nothing to offer in return for help!
Even if I help Maa-chan, she won’t thank me, and even if someone helps me, all I can do is thank them!

I have nothing, I have nothing, but help me…
Help me… “Sensei!”
*Clatter?*
“Ah…” I lifted my face, but no words spilled from my arched throat.
A breath of awe and astonishment escaped my lips like tiny teardrops.
The door opened from the outside, and someone came in.
Tall like an adult, breathing heavily, and a body of distinct black and white.
A person whose face was lost in the backlight, as if to be deliberately dramatic.
“Ahh… Knew it, you were here. No, this is actually… a more welcome outcome, though, huh?”
“Ah…………” Again, I caught my breath in the same way. But this time, guided by that voice, it transformed into something else. Emerging from the shadows of the light, what began to take shape was…
The very person I had prayed for.
“Sensei?”
Leaning against the door, looking as if she might collapse next to me at any moment, was Sakashita Koibi-sensei in her white coat, who jokingly raised one hand and said, “Yo, it’s your Sensei.” Her feet and presence were so solid she didn’t seem like a living ghost, and she frowned at my bewilderment, asking, “What’s up?”
“What are you doing… eh, here…”
“Ahh, I’m tired from running.” Her panting breath was white, and her eyes were bloodshot red. Santa C—
“Running, you say…”
“It’s December, after all. Yeah!” She gave a thumbs-up, then choked so hard it looked like her head might come off.
“How many years has it been since I sprinted full-out like this over and over? Ugh, I feel sick… Oh, crap, I think I’m gonna hurl some yellow slime…”
“Um, Maa-chan is…”
“Misono? Is she in the back?”
“Yes. Um, in a small room, like a storage shed…”
“Mm, got it.” Without taking off her shoes, Sensei quickly stepped over me and headed towards the back. At that point, I just wanted to give up. To be undisturbed by anyone, to simply lose consciousness. To live, unconsciously.
But Koibi-sensei, carrying a limp Maa-chan on her back, came rushing back and made me lift my face, so I had no choice but to live.
“You two, were you in that room the whole time? With the door closed?” Sensei asked, her tone already half-convinced.
“Yes, yes, and then, I said something weird, and…”
“Just as I thought. This kid really has no awareness of her symptoms. So there’s no way she’d be hospitalized… No, more importantly, let’s just get her to the hospital first. Give her some medicine, and after a while, Misono will calm down too.”
Ignoring my poor articulation, Sensei bustled around the room efficiently, doing everything she could.

With not even inertia working for me, I was simply dragged along by Koibi-sensei.
The end of the confinement incident, which hadn’t even lasted two days by our standards alone. Half-carried by Sensei, I ruminated on a notion someone had instilled in me. Condition for happiness, number two:
Someone other than yourself being unhappy, miserable, or in a helpless state.
This is, of course, a natural comparison for feeling happiness.
…But, it’s strange. Until just a moment ago, I should have been given both.
Yet I didn’t feel happy in the slightest.

From there, we made the rounds to two hospitals.
First was Sensei’s workplace. We took Maa-chan by taxi, and Sensei prepared some medicine. She forced Maa-chan to take it and laid her down on a bed. I ignored Sensei’s order, “You’re going to a different hospital,” and stayed by Maa-chan’s side, watching over her intently.
But.
After a while, Maa-chan woke up. Having thoroughly vomited up any remaining traces of sickness and calmed down, she didn’t even glance at the “Mii-kun” who had been right in front of her until moments before. Instead, she shot Sensei a single glare filled with hatred and then quickly left. Sensei merely sighed at her retreating figure, offering no words.
I was sent to a regular hospital. For an examination of my head and both legs. Regarding my head, it was an examination in a double sense—a lie. From my perspective as the one involved, the pain was explosive enough that it wouldn’t have been surprising if someone had died inside me, but from a medical standpoint, it didn’t seem to have amounted to anything that serious. I was diagnosed with a lifelong bruise on my leg, and a wound and a bump on my head, but told that only the wound would survive. I was saved because Maa-chan was, for the time being, still a relatively weak girl. If she hadn’t been violent in the first place, it would have been a much greater help, I simply concluded about my injuries this time. It’s not like adding two or three more scars now will make my scar-covered body evolve into super-scar-covered or anything. If anything, I’m worried they’ll get bullied as newcomers. That’s a fabrication, though.
…My walking restricted, Sensei was carrying me on her back, on the way home from the hospital. I knew without even having to be told that my parents wouldn’t be able to come pick me up because they were working.

…By the way, the reason we weren’t taking a taxi was that Sensei’s pocket money had become just an empty pocket.
“……”
“Hm?”
“It’s still… daytime outside, huh?” Only now did I notice the color and shape of the sky. The clouds, fitting for winter, were stretched thin, faintly blocking the sunlight.
“That’s right, a weekday afternoon. About the time when salesmen on their rounds escape to manga cafes, and elementary schoolers are in their classrooms, excitedly talking about the Slit-Mouthed Woman.”
Who might this Slit-Mouthed Woman be? But if I were to ask Sensei for details here, I’d likely be depressed by the generation gap, so I just said, “Is that so,” in a monotone. At that moment, I climbed one step on the stairs to adulthood while being carried by Sensei… or so, only God knows.

“Oh yeah, are you hungry? If we stop somewhere on the way… we might end up eating katsudon at a police station.” Sensei let out a soft click of her tongue. Since we couldn’t exactly go on a dine-and-dash spree together, I decided to ignore my stomach’s complaints and decline.
“Ah, I’m fine. But, what about your work?”
“Work? You think I can do that stuff in the middle of the day?” she shot back, carrying over the rough flow from her tongue-clicking, a problematic statement. The two of us, in a chronicle of daytime unemployment (details omitted)… The way the clouds were drifting was lovely, I thought, entrusting my evasion to the sky.
As we were passing through a residential area deserted due to the time of day, Sensei turned slightly. Her sharp, almond-shaped eyes took in my entire face, her gaze gently piercing various spots.
“You called Misono ‘Maa-chan,’ didn’t you?”
Sensei confirmed it matter-of-factly, not in an accusatory tone. I affirmed with a “Yes,” following my interest.
“Ah, my bad. I should have explained things properly to you too. About what she’s carrying.”
She faced forward again and quickened her pace slightly. When Sensei kicked a piece of concrete at her feet, it hit the storm shutter of some house, making a loud noise. “Crap!” Before the person from the house could come out, Sensei tried to rush past the spot. I felt like I could become an adult too.
After running like an ostrich down the road and putting enough distance between us, I felt the tension leave Sensei’s shoulders and decided to ask about what had happened.
“But Sensei, how did you know I was at Maa-chan’s house…?”
“Oh, that?”
Sensei, having glanced back and confirmed there were no shouting voices or housewives running out barefoot, gave a wry smile at my question.
“I wasn’t entirely sure, you know. First off, Misono was supposed to come to my place for a consultation yesterday.”
“I heard that from Maa-chan.”
“Mm-hmm. And in the end, she didn’t show up. But someone saw you and Misono at the hospital entrance. You know, one of my patients, Jarao-san who plays shogi, he’s allowed to stay out overnight. Apparently, he happened to see you. The story included the two of you walking off together. At the time, I just thought, well, Misono dislikes me, so maybe she gave up on climbing the hill in front of the school and turned back like a college student giving up and going home. That’s all I thought. But late at night, I got a call from your aunt.”
After speaking that far, the nature of Sensei’s smiling face changed slightly. The bitterness faded, and she looked somewhat heartwarming.
“Your aunt, she called me first thing. ‘XX is missing,’ she said, sounding really serious. You’re quite cherished, you know.”
“…” Fighting back the ringing in my ears, I recalled. She had said before that she’d taken me in due to circumstances.
“Oh, right, I told your aunt and others at the hospital earlier that you were actually staying over at my place. If they found out you and Misono did something like this, a whole bunch of people would show up just for the amusement of it. I haven’t particularly contacted the police either, so it should settle down as you having run away from home for just one day and gotten injured then… probably.”
“Though I don’t know how your aunt and uncle will scold you,” Sensei added lightheartedly. Then, she stopped at an intersection with no traffic lights and shook her head from side to side.

“So, to get back to the point, I heard you hadn’t come home, and putting that together with the earlier report, I thought Misono might be involved somehow. First, I suspected Misono might have done something to you. At worst, I had this awful joke pop into my head that your soul had already flown from its fleshly cage, and oh, I just needed to look up at the night sky to find it. I slapped myself hard across the face when I thought that, so rest assured.”
Receiving this report of self-loathing and repentance, what words was I supposed to offer in return? “Hmm, good work,” sounds condescending, and “You did well,” might get me thrown off right here. I had no choice but to remain silent and leave it to imagination.
“Umm, your house was this way, right?” Sensei indicated a direction full of rice paddies with her chin.
“Yes,” and almost simultaneously with my reply, Sensei’s various body parts began to walk, readjust her hold on me, and speak, all in parallel.
“I couldn’t treat it lightly, so I had no choice but to run around myself. I decided to go to Misono’s house and contact the police immediately if it turned out to be unrelated. I had her write down her address when she was hospitalized before, so I could use that as a hint. Still, it took quite a while. Sorry.”
“……No.” I did pray, though.
It’s not like I directly asked Sensei for help. So why would Sensei, for me…
“I was wondering what to do about the key, but it was unlocked from the start, so that was a help.”
“……Ah.” Right, I forgot to lock it. I wonder if Maa-chan also slept by my side without worrying about locking up. That’s so like her. Careless, yet so demanding only when it comes to Mii-kun.
…And so, about Sensei, who I was thinking about earlier—she understands the result, but can’t accept the process.
Even though there’s no visible merit for her, Sensei helps me.
“Sensei is just like…” *My hero.*
“Hm? What am I?”
“No, I was just thinking you’re like an out-of-season Santa Claus…”
“No, that’s spot on. It’s Christmas today, you know.”
“Jingle Beeells,” Sensei started to sing. The lyrics seemed a bit hazy, as she switched to humming partway through, blessing the day when demand for white-haired old men is highest in the world.
“But, me, Santa. I see, I see. You’re not a very good kid, but since it’s a special occasion, this red muffler…” She looked around the space above her shoulder. “Huh…?”
All that was there were my hands, clearly marked by ropes. No room for a guardian spirit here.
“Is something wrong?”
“The muffler’s gone. I wonder if I dropped it while running.”
“That’s…” Um, too bad for you? No, that’s not quite right.
“Ah. I threw it away midway because I got hot.”
While I was hesitating over a reply, she had solved it herself. “Naha ha,” Sensei laughed artificially, trying to smooth things over.
“Sensei.”
“……”
“Mmph?”
The continuation of that call was about to be born from me. The warmth on my back had robbed me of the strength to stop it.

“When I became Mii-kun, Maa-chan was always smiling, you know.”
“……Yeah.” Since I’d adopted a serious tone, Sensei’s expression also tightened.
“That smile, it wasn’t like she always had it at school before *that* happened, but sometimes, the beautiful smile she’d show when she was near Mii-kun… Sugawara, it looked the same, you see.”
“Yeah.”
“She looked so, so happy, and though there were people around who were jealous or teased her, I could sometimes think it was endearing, and Mii-kun looked happy too, and I’d think, ‘That’s a really nice smile.’ There were times even I, who can’t smile at all, thought that.”
“Yeah.” Nodding just enough, Sensei became a good listener. It was like I was being counseled. Like she was trying to knead my dehydrated heart over and over to somehow soften it.
Truly, I was weakened.
“But…”
Because I never knew it was this hard to keep lying, to have the other person deceived, to live surrounded by such falsehoods, I now clung to honesty and…
“But… …But…
When she was with me, she didn’t look happy at all.”
The moment those words left my lips,
my reason made me realize just how fragile all my lies up until now had been. The switches for various emotions I’d been glossing over flipped on all at once, and the desire to scream began to successively take over my bloodstream.
That’s why my oxygen broke, and I became anoxic.
“Don’t look like you’re about to cry.”
What is she saying, just guessing without even looking at me? Besides, I’m probably… not like that anymore.
“Misono, you see, she *is* happy. No matter how much your eyes perceive misfortune in her background, the person herself continues to stare only at happiness. Others have no right to say anything about that. There shouldn’t be any such right. If you weigh ‘correct misfortune’ and ‘wrong happiness’ on a scale, which one do you think is heavier?”
As the end of her sentence rose, Sensei kicked up the dirt at her feet. This time, it was empty; the dirt merely covered other dirt, assimilating.
“That’s denying my own job, though… I wonder if you’ll eventually understand things like that and compromise. Or maybe it’s better if you don’t understand… In the end, maybe I don’t understand anything either.”
The one who said it looked very much like she was about to cry. Her eyes narrowed for a different reason than before, she sniffled, and the corners of her eyes trembled.
But, even though she was making that face, Sensei didn’t stop walking, and I think she’s a truly amazing person.
“And so…” What she exhaled still had a tail. It wasn’t over.
“If I looked at Maa-chan and thought she was unhappy, what should I do… Just what, among inertia, other people, and desire, should I follow to live correctly?”
Sensei suppressed the emotion that had almost made her react instantly by tightening her lips horizontally. Her eyes darted about, and her hands, holding my legs, tensed unnecessarily.

The reply to me that Sensei was now holding back.
Those words were, *give up*. The emotion I always use as a pillow for my heart for the sake of peace. Will my heart, too, someday come to an acceptance where Maa-chan seems very happy and I deny nothing?
But Sakashita Koibi-sensei didn’t say it. Stubbornness paralyzed her tongue, not allowing the words to be easily sent out. She bought time to formulate a countermeasure, somehow managing to get through it. She could keep postponing giving up.
It might be close to an excuse. But it was a human-likeness I felt I could never imitate in my entire life.
Sensei disguised those choked-up words, making them seem like very good words, and sent them out to me.
“You idiot. In times like that, you say, ‘I’ll make her happy.’”
Advice given with a wry smile, as if she’d given up, or was pushing me away.
…I see. Adults have narrow vision, yet they’re profound.
My lies are still just child’s play.

Later, after winter vacation had started.
I went to Koibi-sensei’s workplace and had her tell me about Maa-chan.
A very short, simple story about that girl, one that couldn’t be improved.
And while I was at it, I took care of one other piece of business.
“What’s this?”
Twirling two mechanical pencils simultaneously, Sensei tilted her head at the paper bag I offered.
“It’s a muffler. You said you lost yours, so I bought one.”
“It’s like a yakisoba bun,” I said, thrusting it forward.
“You don’t seem to like the cold, so I thought it’d be better if you had one.”
“I see… hmm, hmm.” Sensei placed the paper bag she’d received on the desk and turned her cheek towards the window.
Observing her profile, I saw the corner of Sensei’s lips twist up and tremble.
“Hold it in… Don’t laugh yet, endure it,” she muttered, while the frequency of her blinks increased dramatically.
Creepy.
“Haa…”
“Kk… Haha, a late Christmas present… huh. How many years has it been… Kk, tsu-haha.”
In the end, unable to hold it in any longer, Sensei burst out laughing. Once she couldn’t suppress it, it seemed she couldn’t stop.
“Ah ha, ahahahaha!”
Pressing her palm to her forehead, Sensei laughed, her voice genuinely merry.
“I’m not so bad myself, am I? I’ve got some good points.”
“Is that so…” Normally, it feels like I should be the one evaluated that way in this situation, but, well, it’s probably just my imagination. It’s not like I did anything particularly good, anyway.
Sensei forcefully grabbed the clock on the desk and brought her face right up to the hands. “Heh heh heh,” she chuckled, a bit old-mannish.
“The time is…… well, whatever. Alright, come with me, I’ll treat you to some delicious cake.”
Sensei bent her knees, building momentum, and sprang up from her chair. Then she took my hand and bounded out of the room in large strides. Her slippers clattered as she started walking, then, “Oops, right,” she darted back into the room again. I followed Sensei around,ふわふわ, like a balloon a small child holds at an amusement park.
“It looks cold outside, let’s use it right away.”
Sensei, in an unusually high-spirited mood, opened the paper bag while humming a tune and took out the brand-new muffler. “Wow, it’s red. A color I neither like nor dislike,” she said quickly as she wrapped it around her neck.
I felt like she’d said she lost a red muffler the other day. Well, red suits Sensei best.