---

---

Munch munch and gurgle gurgle, all done.
I properly put the bento box in my shoe bag, and as for the memories, I just toss them somewhere around here and call it cleaned up. If it's something you can't see, I probably won't get that mad if I throw it away.
My stomach's full. My head, too, is vaguely steeped in satisfaction.
I feel like I've arbitrarily reached some kind of stopping point, but reality hasn't changed one bit.
It's a bit like how I lived underground for a year and let most of the rest of my life rot away, yet time still keeps flowing regardless.
Anyway, I need to rejoin my classmates. How far do I plan on going all by myself?
People can't live alone, you know. ...The fact that's a lie is what's interesting about humans.
Slinging my bag on my back, I stand up from the rotten log that served as my chair. "Hm?" ...Oh, from quite a ways down, I can finally hear multiple faint voices. High-pitched children's voices... I can barely make them out, so they're probably my classmates. I can't see the group's shadow from behind the trees, so they must be a little far off.
Hehehe, this is what I was waiting for (that's a lie, but since the result is A-okay, it's not a lie). Looks like I, uh, got way ahead of myself, took a shortcut, and climbed up here all alone.
"Alright." So, I just need to go down there. Down the slope where the trees are so thick I can barely see a thing.
"Ready, set..." *Whoosh*. I tried jumping. And plunged straight onto the slope.
I slid all the way down the descending slope. Because thinking about how not to fall while walking was too much trouble.
This way of living, sometimes it really wears me out, but...
...since I'm not forced to walk looking up, I can't bring myself to hate it.
I was about to hit a tree on the way, so I tried to break my fall, and ended up not just sliding but tumbling. Thump, thump, I rolled like I was being vertically spun in a washing machine, slammed into trees, hit my elbow on a rock, and scraped my face on the dirt. It's like I'm being processed. Dammit, am I ready for shipping yet? Right after I thought that, my vision cleared, and I fell off a particularly large drop. At that moment, I definitely felt like I was soaring through the air.
The grand finale of my self-inflicted pain was my butt. Relieved I hadn't landed headfirst, I slammed my rear hard onto the road. A few pebbles that had fallen with me also bounced onto the road.
Just as I'd predicted, the classmates and teachers swarming the mountain path below stared wide-eyed at the student who was supposed to be at the very back, now suddenly tumbling down. I arbitrarily decided their expressions might be a bit like someone who'd just witnessed a Tengu, out of shape, fail at climbing a tree.
"What the..." or "murmur murmur..." my classmates mumbled, sizing me up. Their creeped-out, slightly recoiling stares are a nice touch, aren't they?
Yep, there's a bit of a price to pay, but the warp was a success.
Aware that I was grimacing, I stood up and did a quick check. ...Yeah, aside from every part of my body being in extreme pain, there don't seem to be any particular problems. My legs move, my shoulders rotate. And I don't have any more rice balls to get squashed.

...Wow, once the damp surprise passed like the rainy season, most of my classmates just glanced at me and then ignored me. Amazing, me. I'm suuuper disliked. The only ones who reacted were Kaneko, with a wry smile, and that girl, Biwashima, who was covering her mouth and muttering something. I bet she's badmouthing me. Or maybe it's completely unrelated.
I stood there waiting, deciding to join the line again when the end of it passed by. I waited a bit for their sluggish progress, and, oh, here it comes, here it comes... "...Hm?"
A girl trotted out from the back of the line and walked towards me. The girl silently took out a handkerchief and offered it to me.
...Who was she again? Ah, Fushimi, from my group. She's one of those quiet types who doesn't try to talk to anyone, that's why she was put in my group. Realizing who she was, I said, "It's fine," and pushed the handkerchief back.
Then I tried saying "Thank you" honestly, and my knees, shins, shoulders, and the area near my ribs throbbed with pain. I'm always telling lies because I'm under a curse that forbids me from speaking honestly... If that were true, it'd be an easy excuse, but I have absolutely no connection to such a setup.
I lined up with Fushimi at the back again, and this time, we walked down the path we'd descended in a normal way.
Looking at her, Fushimi was facing down, paying attention only to her own feet.
...Hmm, I wonder if this girl even remembers me?
Either way, why did she show concern for my face, of all things? In various senses.
And then, later on this excursion, I end up meeting someone a little strange.
That, too, is just one of the stories that my future self will forget more and more as I get older.

Winter: Happy Child
What I met in winter was.
Me and her, unable to see each other.

"Mnya mnya... Mii-kun, gooood mooorning."
"...Morning." Is it morning outside, I wonder.
"No energyyy. But that's so Mii-kun-like, it's cuuute."
"Oh... thanks. Maa-chan's cuter, though." For now, anyway.
"Really!? Mii-kun, you're such a smoooth talker!"
"Well, yeah." Because I don't want to die "like this," you know.
"Nyu fu, doing this kinda makes me excited!"
"Really?" My heart feels like it's about to stop pounding, and on top of that, my blood feels like it's about to freeze.
"Because Mii-kun is riiight here beside me. He's the idol of Maa-chan's generation, you know."
"Wow, that's a wide range." The air I exhale clogs my nose, and my breathing becomes ragged.
"I was so excited today, I just woke up early. Hmmm, Maa-chan is still a child, isn't she? Self-reflect, self-reflect."
"Rather than a child... yeah, still a child, I guess." We're both elementary schoolers, after all.
"Nuzzle nuzzle! ...Mmm, ah, Mii-kun's cheek is cold." "Because right now, I'm not an insect, I've become a reptile."
"Is it 'cause you're hungry?"
"...Yeah, well." My fingertips are protesting with a prickly coldness, as if they've got frostbite.
"Geez, you're such a glutton."
"If anything, I'm more in charge of being a creep." So, frostbite and stuff should still be okay, then. Seems like there's still time before I lose sensation. But why did I end up worrying about something like this?
"It's okayyy, 'cause I'll make breakfast proooperly. I'll make Mii-kun's favorite thing."
"Woow..." Even before eating, my mouth is full of the taste of blood, though.
"Since Mii-kun can't use his haaands, Maa-chan will feed you, nom nom."
"Yeah." That's fine, I guess.
"'Cause I'll help Mii-kun like thiiis."
"Yeah." Is it just my imagination that there's a more fundamental way to help?
"From now on, Mii-kun is going to be with Maa-chan foreeever."
I've been cold all night and my teeth are chattering, my hands are tied behind my back, I don't know if my legs are broken or what but they won't move, I'm hungry, the part of my head you bashed in feels numb like it's caved in, I can't see well in the dark, and yet your smile is lovely, you're mistaking me for someone else, and you're wonderfully broken, but since these complaints of mine won't reach anyone, and the taste of blood isn't boring, and I'm being allowed to live in Mayu-chan's room, and because I'm in such a cramped position I don't have to play "I'll die if I sleep in a cold place" nor could I even if I wanted to, it makes a good excuse for forgetting my homework, I don't have to see anyone other than Mayu-chan, and today is December twenty-fourth so I get to spend Christmas with a girl, and if I tell the lie that I've given up on countless things, thinking of it as an early start to winter vacation, then replying with "Yeah, that's right" was easy enough.
Also, the fact that "together" in her earlier line sounded like "last will and testament" is a secret from Mayu-chan.
It all started yesterday.
That day, on my way home from school, I had visited the hospital where Sakashita Koibi-sensei was. It was for a regular check-up.
The date was, I think... around December twenty-third. I just thought it might be a little more interesting if it were the season for that Western ritual where a child receives an item of unknown origin from an unfamiliar old white-haired man without any particular suspicion, and as soon as they find out the contents are worthless, they throw it at a good-natured old man passing by to cap off the year. But since I'd probably incur the wrath of old men all over the country, I scrapped the idea.
By the time my "three-year-old's soul" had settled in, my mother had fervently lectured me, saying, 'Listen, in this world, there's no Santa, no Tsuchinoko, and no Tokugawa buried treasure. If you're going to dream, dream about outer space or the deep sea, got it?' So, my upbringing perfectly instilled in me that an old man entering someone's house through a chimney or window is either a pervert or a burglar. It's true.
Being such a dry fourth-grade elementary schooler, we never had turkey or cake on our family table for Christmas, and while I'm at it, New Year's was just a day that could be renamed "Mochi Day," so I've never experienced a year-end where anything felt particularly imminent. Oh, but when I was in the basement... that was every day, wasn't it? I was able to endure extreme stress because I'd let my nerves snap midway, you know. In return, things have become a bit troublesome now, though.
But enough of that digression, let's talk about the fun, fun present. Two lies in that, though.
"How's school? How boring is it?"
While organizing the bookshelf beside her desk, Sensei asks me about my school life, presupposing it's not exactly positive. With her back to me as I sit in the chair, she pulls thick books and paperbacks from the shelf, stacking them on her desk. Occasionally, she seems quite busy, picking up a book and checking its contents, saying, "Wow, this brings back memories." Though she's not actually working.
"Mhm! ...I feel it every day, for such a long, long time that I might as well be realizing 'human potential is infinite' in my sleep."
I reply, turning my head this way and that, looking around the white, square, spotless room. Outside the window, whether it would make an observer's expression bright is another matter, but it's a clear, cold sky. Inside, the heating is a little too strong, and my throat feels dry. But Sensei gets cold easily, and she's the master of this room, so I figured this was probably just right for her, and I had nothing to say about it.
"I see, you're thoroughly enjoying your free time... But feeling boredom is also part of learning." Especially for you, you know. I felt like she added that unsaid part.
Discovering several manga books mixed in with some rather heavy-looking (and incidentally, difficult-looking) tomes, Sensei, while frowning at the bent condition of their covers, replies, maintaining an unstagnant tone.
"If you steadily increase your tolerance for patience, it'll definitely be useful when you become an adult... Well, I say that, but I'm, you know, *that*. Look, am I still in a growth spurt phase, sort of? My age, you see... Does 'young lady' still pass? No good? Even if I give up on 'girl'... Ahh, on my birthday, my self-esteem just gets chipped away."
Sensei gestures animatedly, finally loosely clutching her head and bursting into laughter. If I, as usual, were to speak without reading the room after this, I felt like I'd touch upon something forbidden. Long ago, when I treated my sister like a child (I mean, she *was* a child, including me), I got hit, so I try to guess, just sometimes, that for women, the topic of age is probably felt like my name is to me.
I have to change the subject here. Uh, if I just connect it to what we were talking about earlier... "Sensei, when you were in elementary school, how were you bored?" Since she was an adult when I first met her, I can't imagine what Sensei was like as a child. Uhm, with this adult-like (in my subjective view) face, carrying a randoseru, shrunk down to about my size... If I were to put it nicely, "curious," maybe? I wonder if those uncles who eat mushrooms and get bigger (plural is fine too) were like that when they were small at first.
The real Sensei, a separate entity from my exceedingly rude imagination, placed the hand that had been on her head to her forehead, and with an "Hmm," rewound the disk of her seemingly deteriorating memories.
"Classes aside, lunch break was surprisingly fun. I'd go outside and play dodgeball and stuff with the boys. I'd eat my school lunch quickly and work hard to secure a spot on the playground. Back when I was a girl... back when I was a *pretty* girl."
Articulately, the twenty-something adult asserts something. I kind of felt like something extra was added the second time, but I didn't mention it. I only have one life, after all.
"Or rather, it's like, you're in fourth grade now, and I'm... that age, so by the time you're about to become a high schooler, I'll be forcibly interned in my thirties. Wow, is that really me? Isn't it a different person? Haven't I like, succeeded to the name as the second generation or something? ...Eh, only one generation. Seriously?"
If I weren't here, Sensei's anguish, making her look like she might start rolling around on the floor any second, emanates from her entire being.
As I was intently observing that realistic adult figure, Sensei noticed my gaze and, with a "Tehyah," flashed a smile that I couldn't quite tell was embarrassed or bitter.
"Lately, you know, I've been getting down about my age more often. My former classmates are getting married and having kids and stuff. That really made me tremble with fear. If I hadn't run into Natsuki after that, I was about to involuntarily scream for a high school application form or something."
"Yikes, I'm beat, hahaha," her crisp laughter, like something put through a high-performance dryer, echoed in the room. The atmosphere made it hard to judge if it was amicable, so it was hard for me to laugh along too. That's a lie, though.
Since way back, I've never had the function of "laughing" work.
It's not that I don't think things are fun, but the muscles in my cheeks show no reaction whatsoever.
Is it that it's ten years too early for me, or did I discard the right to command them somewhere?
"Speaking of which, how's Misono doing at school and all? Have you talked to her at all?"
Ugh, my throat momentarily tightens. I'd rather not talk about that with a human.
"We're in different classes," was my excuse, and "We hardly get to talk, but I sometimes see her around lunchtime," I tried conveying at least that much of the truth. While thinking about what I'd do if we ended up in the same class next year after the class shuffle, something that would make an oni laugh and brandish its iron club.
"I can see her from the window, always dawdling around the school gate, coming to school around noon." And I always follow her with my eyes, with my face. Lingeringly.
"Hmm." Sensei's responses have been feigning indifference for a while now. I was about to have the self-centered thought that maybe she was being considerate of me, so I corrected myself and asked, just in case.
"Mayu-chan, to the hospital..." "No way she'd come. She hates it on a level beyond cats hating baths."
"...You're right." There was nothing more to say on that topic, so I waited for Sensei's next words.
"Ah, it's about time you headed home. I have another appointment today."
Following the long hand of the clock with her eyes, Sensei urged me to go home. Those were good words, so I felt a little relieved.
"Understood. Sorry for staying so long." I shouldered the randoseru I'd placed on the floor and readjusted my cap.
"No, no, take care," Sensei said, waving. I gave a small wave back, bowed my head, and then left the room. ...But, just as I was about to leave, the sound of rustling paper and Sensei's voice came at me from behind.
"Oh yeah, it's almost Christmas, isn't it? Do you get presents or anything?"
Sensei, fiddling with the calendar hanging on the wall, threw that question at me.
"My aunt, I think she'd give me something if I asked."
"Hmm. Anything you want?"
"Not particularly... I like sweets, so maybe a Christmas cake, or something."
"Such an ungreedy child. If you don't have some desires, life will dry up. Though if you have too many, it gets all sticky, and you can't move."
I got to see Sensei's usual self-deprecating, ironic laugh one last time today.
Sensei grunted "Unsho" as she picked up one of the piles of books with both hands.
"See ya then," she said, greeting me again while working. "Yes. Um, goodbye." This time, I really left the room.
I closed the door and shivered once from the temperature difference with the inside.
Leaving my hand on the door, I lifted my forehead to make it easier to take in air. In the upper part of my vision were the black of my hair and the yellow of my cap. The two overlapped, looking like a swarm of bees was making a nest above my head.
I inhaled deeply the air that hinted at cold-heartedness within the biting cold.
The afterimage of light swelled up, as if heat was radiating from around my eyeballs.
Ringing in my ears, and blood circulating, centered on my forehead. A little like dizziness from standing up in summer.
After waiting until I felt like a closed refrigerator, I started walking towards the stairs.
Just as I stepped outside the hospital, I found I couldn't go straight home.
My eyeballs were stitched by threads of gaze to a girl walking with a grimace, as if thumbtacks were piercing the soles of her feet.
"Ah..." I stopped at the sight of a face I shouldn't have much memory of, yet couldn't possibly forget. The girl didn't stop. We passed each other briskly.
However, at the sigh and voice I unintentionally let out, the girl walked a few steps further before turning around, returning a suspicious gaze. The way her eyebrows knitted together as if scorning everything in the world, and a twisted mouth that, if friendly words were to emerge, could only be explained as an attempt to deceive the other person.
It was Misono Mayu. A red randoseru and indigo gloves. Her shoes extended even when her toes were pointed straight. Each of her gestures, though impassive, had a certain grace. In a good way, she was like a doll. As I stared at her silently like that, Mayu-chan quickly sized me up again and opened her mouth. "What is it?"
As if prodding me with her sharp nose, she showered me with a curt attitude and inorganic words. Mayu-chan seemed to have completely forgotten my face, even though I'd spoken to her several times after the incident.
We were three or four meters apart, so it didn't seem at all like she had trouble distinguishing my face due to poor eyesight or anything like that.
Because it's a hospital located in the mountains, not easily seen from inhabited areas, there was hardly anyone around to look at us with curious eyes. Unlike passing each other in the school hallway, this was a place with no onlookers. That's why I almost took a step forward.
Without even being sure if I wanted to say something to this girl, my tongue started moving awkwardly on its own. "Ah, um, I just thought it was unusual. You don't seem to like this hospital, and you don't come for check-ups or anything. So, what brings you here today? Business with Koibi-sensei, or...?"
Speaking to her as if I knew her well, my voice trailed off at the end, yet I still moved my eyes, trying to maintain that acquaintance-like atmosphere. Not missing the fact that this extra movement left me wide open, a gust of wind blew into my eyes from the side, trying to drive out the moisture. It felt like tears were about to overflow any second.
Mayu-chan, with an incredulous "Huh?" on her face, like she'd seen a creature with a human head growing out of octopus legs, quickly turned forward. My heart was in such a lawless state, my toes tensing in panic, that I couldn't predict what I'd say next, yet at the same time, the carefree thought that her hair, flowing left and right as she turned, was pretty, also resided in my eyeballs.
Her back, as she was about to be reluctantly sucked into the hospital's automatic doors, blurred for a moment, only in my eyes. Instantly, I squeezed out my voice again, as if clinging to her.
"Um, it'd be nice if Santa comes this year, huh."
The Christmas topic I'd just discussed with Koibi-sensei and our conversations in the basement got jumbled together and blurted out.
Inertia.
Desire, other people.
It's not that they're completely gone. Even for me, a little of those three things remains. In this case, though, I have no idea what form they take.
Mayu-chan turned back with as much friendliness as one might show when, at a crowded intersection in front of the station, a large man walking from the opposite direction bumps your shoulder and walks away without noticing or apologizing, and you just watch him go with a click of your tongue.
"..." Mayu-chan stared at me with the kind of look one gives a stain on the wall that's more troublesome to clean than dust at one's feet. This was way beyond just stirring up a hornet's nest.
"Santa used to come every year, right? He forgot last year, but, um, still..."
Unable to find any meaning in Mayu-chan turning back, she gave me only a frigid glance before starting to walk forward again. As that Mayu-chan was about to pass through the automatic doors, I, once again taking a misstep, chased after her,
"Ah, and so, Maa-chan, y'know..."
The meaning of the words I'd uttered was, for me, an incredibly shallow attempt to hold her back, with no other intention.
But I was about to understand, through pain, that it had been a careless remark.
Certainly, I knew that the remnants of that incident had visited Mayu-chan, and that "Mii-kun's lie" resided within her. But at that time, I still "didn't know" the mechanism behind it.
"Mii-kun?"
Receiving my careless words, born of shallow knowledge, Mayu-chan's complexion changed at a speed seven million, seven hundred seventy-six thousand times faster than the changing of the four seasons. Like an apple agonizing over whether it should be shipped pale or plucked after ripening, her complexion was unstable. However, her eyeballs, without straying, walked a blood-soaked path, growing redder and redder.
"Eh, eh, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ehme ehmeeeh, eh?"
A virus of question marks, utterly lacking in rhythm, like a convulsion, rode the dry wind and rained down on both Mayu-chan and me. Mayu-chan, as if trying to discern the true nature of the collection of flesh and water before her eyes; me, unable to understand the meaning of the question itself.
"Ah, no, um? Sheep? Eh?" The sense of danger and incomprehensibility made even me flustered.
Her reaction was so strong, I worried I might get eaten whole.

Mayu-chan approached, her right hand fumbling unsteadily in front of her. Her first step was weak, as if fearful. But that initial movement seemed to have easily kicked away any restraint, and from there, it was a furious, headlong rush, as if trying to drive me to the edge of life's sumo ring... or so it seemed, I wasn't sure.
Pushed and cornered by Mayu-chan, the back of my head hit the thick pillar at the hospital entrance. My neck, caught, was shaken without reserve, and it became a cradle rocking me to the verge of fainting as my head repeatedly slammed against the white stone.
The top of my foot was also stomped on with all her might, and Mayu-chan's determination, "I won't let you escape," came through unfaded. It was truly suffocating. I mean, if my neck gets squeezed any tighter, I'll die.
"Ma... ga... ...re... ku... kuru..." I tried to force the words leaking from my mouth into syllables, but it had no effect.
(7212231052. 72122310551555414′52111)
Huh? Mayu-chan, foaming at the mouth, babbled a string of unfocused numbers. Honestly, I didn't get it. But I had the feeling I was being questioned with tremendous intensity, so if I simplified it as much as possible, I could infer from the connection to her previous words that she was probably asking, "Are you Mii-kun?"
Therefore, I felt like if I denied it here, I'd be killed. My neck was in that much of a critical state.
But even if I affirmed it, I felt like my existence as "Boku" would die within Mayu-chan.
It's like I'm already dead now, but this would be the final blow. It felt like that kind of processing was about to happen inside me. So, I guess this means I'll have one more thing to give up on, just like that.
The land of my heart, where enough resignations are buried to make a graveyard of them, is already completely desolate. The person managing it was buried first and foremost.
"I... am... Mii-kun... not..." *Gack*. With my neck squeezed so tight that the rising stomach acid retreated, how the hell could I deny anything, speak, or even affirm anything satisfactorily, you bastard.
"It's tomorrow, it's tomorrow, it's before Christmas, so why are you being such a scatterbrain, Mii-kun, is it true? You're not dead? You'll give me a living one? Does it move? Does it need batteries? Hey, hey, more, more, 'Move faster!'"
Tightly, her nails dug into my neck. Even if I tried to wait and see, the acceleration towards my death didn't seem to stop. Denying it seemed useless, and I wasn't in a position to just observe, so if it came down to it, my only choice was "Yeees." Could I, without any 'resolve,' really say such a thing so casually, as always? In inverse proportion to Mayu-chan, who was so worked up she didn't even have time to focus her eyes, my panic, upon touching the outside air, oxidized and joined the ranks of resignation.
When it comes to this, I easily switch gears and become a mass of action, sprinting full-pelt backwards. Ahh, I don't want to die. I really, really want to return to living (or so I intend).
...Well then, fine. Moderation is impossible, after all.