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Toue pulls the chair I’m using away from the desk and plops down without a hint of hesitation. Leaning back deeply against the backrest, she looks up at the unlit light fixture and lets out a weary sigh.
"Let's turn on the AC."
"There's no such thing here."
"What about a fan?"
"There's nothing like that either."
Maybe it was because of the red light filtering through the opaque window, or perhaps it was the lack of air conditioning, but Toue narrowed her eyes and the space between her brows, her face contorting into a scowl. It was a pretty good look. Seeing Toue annoyed is rather picturesque; it soothes my heart. Can’t quite tell if that’s a lie or not, though.
"Geez, Ese-kun, you're such a nasty kid. I bet that part of your personality is reflected in this room, too."
Spouting all sorts of unwelcome nonsense, Toue spins the chair. Her skirt hem flutters as well.
"Well, can't be helped. Guess I'll have to make do with self-service."
She overturns my backpack without permission, scattering its contents onto the desk. Before I even have a chance to stop her with a "What do you think you're doing?", Toue pulls a green plastic sheet from a notebook and starts fanning herself with it.
"Ugh, what lukewarm air. It's just gonna make me sweat more. Just like its owner, this plastic sheet is useless, huh?"
What did she even come here for? If she wants to pick on me, she should just do it in the classroom like always.
"Then you should just use your own. Maybe it'll adopt a cool attitude, just like you, Hamana-san," I say, pressing a forefinger to my temple, delivering the sarcasm with a gentle bite.
"Aha ha, what are you talking about? You're like, ten times colder, Ese-kun. Like a hybrid of a reptile and an insect."
I don't get Toue's reasoning at all, but if I just take her words literally, it seems that since my human element is 'improper,' I'm neither a dinoman nor a flyman.
"Seriously, do whatever you want with your own backpack. Don't drag mine into your affairs, Hamana-san."
"This is your room, Ese-kun, so it's normal for your things to be scattered around, right? If it were *my* stuff, I'd look like a badly behaved kid. Think rationally, will ya? Just give up resisting."
"You've got a point." Giving up on both resistance and sarcasm, I try to cool down by just letting it slide. That's my objective, anyway. Just kidding.
Sitting on the tatami, I imagine myself under a waterfall to try and ignore the dripping sweat.

"So, Ese-kun, what do you usually do in a room like this?"
"Homework and studying. I missed the first part of the classes, so I have to review it myself."
Well, I did learn it a long, long time ago, technically. But my memory capacity is stuffed to the brim with trauma. That one year was just full of impactful events. I wish I could easily delete them like Mii-kun does, but I can't erase them at all. I wonder if my brain cells could somehow be skillfully destroyed.
Toue, exasperated with my lack of entertainment, stops fanning herself with the plastic sheet. She looks down at me with a disdainful gaze, as if, had the chair lacked a backrest, she would have toppled right off backward, arching her back.
"You know, Ese-kun..."
"Yeah?"
"You're an idiot."
"That's why I'm studying." I tried to rebuff Toue with words that sounded cool. Of course, with Toue being so moody and paying no particular heed to what others say, there wasn't a shred of effectiveness. She just snorted.

After that, Toue would start with, "You know, Ese-kun..." and I'd reply with "Yeah" or "Well..."—responses so mass-produced they lacked any handmade flavor—and we spent a long thirty minutes or so like that.
In this room where not even the cicadas' cries could be heard, there was no escape for my mind. No distractions; I had no choice but to be conscious of her.
This bullying felt like something bestowed by the world—or rather, I blamed it on the world. The so-called "it's all society's fault"—a mature-sounding way of shifting responsibility. It’s just a false accusation, though.
So, it was only natural when Toue said, "I'm going home," and I wanted to give three cheers of 'Banzai!' ...What is a lie, anyway?

Toue tosses aside my plastic sheet and leaps up from the chair. She botches the landing, however, and ends up sliding feet-first onto the tatami. Letting out an "Ouch!" for the butt-plant she took—directing her complaint at me for some reason—Toue then crawls towards me on all fours, inch by inch, and hugs me from the side.
A moment... My throat... For an instant, I dart my eyes left and right, wondering if an earthquake had struck. Everyone but me was fine.
"Whoa, Ese-kun, you really are skinny. Like, 'kya-shareen'!"
My throat felt like it was spinning, *guruguru*, vertically. My consciousness bobbed up and down, as if I were tumbling down a long flight of stairs.
"Why don't you react or something?" Toue suggests, like she's advising on proper elementary schooler etiquette.
"What is this?"
"I'm giving you a squeeeeze. Wanna do it too, Ese-kun?"
"...No. It's damn hot."
"Oh, right."
She hugged me even tighter. Ah, is this also part of the bullying? A lump of heat that felt like a part of my skin might softly melt away was pressed against me, making a strange kind of sense in a corner of my mind. The feel of Toue's hair brushing against the nape of my neck transformed into a foreign object, one that subtly threatened to make me grind my teeth.
"Hey Ese-kun, you always wear short-sleeved shirts, but your arms aren't tanned at all. Are you, like, getting laundered or something?"
I'd usually retort with something like, 'Can't beat a detergent girl like you, Hamana-san,' but since this is a special occasion, I'll make a hasty change to my response.
"...I'll ask you politely one more time, but why exactly are you hugging me?"
Using polite language with someone younger, I let the light streaming in from the window burn my eyes. It was an emergency measure to make Toue, visible in the corner of my vision, disappear.
"Don't you ever feel like you just wanna squeeeeze something, Ese-kun?"
"...Weren't you saying I was dirty?" Since this was the third time, the words spilled from my mouth along with my honest thoughts.
"Oh my, are you holding a grudge? Ese-kun, you're pretty spiteful, huh?"
"That's not it. I'm just saying you should take responsibility for your own words." Though that's probably high on the list of admonishments *I* wouldn't want to hear.
I'm grateful it's not from the front, at least. After that, if possible, I wish she'd consider the season... It's not like I'm okay with being hugged, though. But it's like there's an element to deny, and yet there isn't. The blockage of light fulfilled its short-lived expiration date, and my vision arbitrarily began its restoration work.

"Something like the corner of a white wall flickers in my head. When that happens, the insides of my arms start tingling on their own, and I just feel like hugging something, like this."
Toue tilts her head to the right with a groan, hiding her expression from my eyes as she explains her motive.
"Something... But why me?"
"Hmm... Because you're object-like, Ese-kun. Or rather, you ask 'Why?' way too much."
She pouts her lips, denouncing my attitude towards people. Since she brought it up, I let the question 'Why would she say that...?' swirl in my mind. Just kidding, though.
"Because you're a creature I can't understand, Hamana-san."
There wasn't anyone like you even at the hospital.
Well, there weren't any kids my age there, so that applies to all my classmates, I guess.
"So, if I talk about myself and you learn various things, will you become a little kinder, Ese-kun?"
Wiping the sweat from her forehead on my shoulder, Toue interrogates me. I felt like I was being unreasonably scolded, as if I were some mysterious object riddled with faults, an object that made anger well up every time she touched it.
"Don't you think asking for kindness, or something like that, is a bit strange?"
"Why? Oh, I just used your line, Ese-kun."
Her bright red tongue darts out and licks her own lips, then my bicep. "Tastes like sweat," Toue remarked, but I was secretly hoping it might taste like chicken too. That's a lie, sirs.
"You bully me, Hamana-san. I'm bullied by you and the others in class." I'm not enough of an expert in 'opening up new routes' to make sense of 'bully kindly, and be bullied kindly.'
"Oh, I won't bully you anymore starting tomorrow. Good for you, Ese-kun."
Toue pats the shoulder she's holding several times with her palm, lightheartedly declaring an end to her offensive.
.........How many times does this make now? This feeling of a 'What is *with* this girl?' sigh filling my mouth.
She has plenty of other friends, so is she picking on me just because she has a thing for the unusual?
"Happy?"
"Very."
"In that case, then— let's distinguish it from 'not really' or 'why?' You should be happier, like, enough to stick fireworks in your head or something."
"If I suddenly started yelling 'Yippee!' or something, that'd be pretty cringey, wouldn't it?"
Especially if I raised my right hand to the ceiling and jumped up and down while still sitting.
"Yeah, that definitely was cringey." Toue, who had jumped along and hit her feet and butt on the tatami again, mutters this sentiment in a way whose meaning I can't quite pinpoint. Like insects swarming under the eaves, the floating dust motes disturb the air.
"But, oh well. Anyway, for now, I'll tell you one piece of personal information. I'm, uh, transferring schools when the second semester starts."
"...The sea." Toue whispers in an oddly cloying and loose tone, giving off a dreamy vibe.
"...Transferring schools."
"Yep. Transferring. I'm moving to another prefecture. They say it has the sea and stuff."
As if my eyes were following something that had collapsed, I repeat Toue's words without any emotion.

Toue stretches her neck, bringing her face close as if to rub her cheek against mine, and peers into my eyes.
"Got any thoughts on that?"
"Your hair's probably going to get all sticky from the sea breeze. Sounds like a pain."
"Ugh, so like you, Ese-kun, you criminal. ...You know, Ese-kun, I kinda want to try cutting open your chest, just once."
"I think that 'just once' would be the end of everything, though."
"I bet it's empty inside."
Completely ignoring my argument, Toue curls her lips into a suspicious smile. She slips her hand under my shirt from below and presses her palm directly against my skin.
"..." I restrain myself from backing away while thinking, 'What the hell?'
I'll just tell myself the reason is because Toue's hand was cold and felt pleasant.
"Ese-kun, you don't seem to have a heart or anything." Toue's right hand moves back and forth over my heart several times.
"My heart is beating, isn't it?"
"There's no such thing as a heart in a place like that, Ese-kun."
Brandishing the mechanisms of human anatomy like a science teacher, Toue denies the unscientific.
Gradually, Toue starts to lean on me, pressing down.
*So, where is the heart, then?*
"That's why I told you, Ese-kun, you don't have a heart."
I thought I'd only said it in my mind, but apparently, I'd muttered it aloud. Toue replied.
Or maybe my heart is outside my body, dancing in the air, perhaps mixed in with the dust.
The tips of Toue's right fingers change their angle. All of them stand at attention in perfect unison, thrusting their points into my skin. The 'feet' of her nails, which had at first tentatively touched my skin, gradually begin to dig into my flesh, pushing forward independently.
My attention completely devoured by the sweat, the setting sun, and the green plastic sheet, I can't even bring myself to reject Toue.
No, the instability of the light makes it uncertain whether the person breathing right beside me is even Toue. That person.
A large mass and distortion peered into my ear.
"Hey, if it's empty, can I put myself inside?"

Toue pointed out my emptiness, and then, the next day.
That morning at school, which I'd gone to alone because I’d mistakenly thought the group was the 'Hayabusa Brigade'—oops!—I found a tattered set of indoor shoes in the shoe locker. Mine were unharmed, so these belonged to someone else. Wondering whose they were, I headed to the classroom.
"Yo, Ese-kun. Mornin'—"
Positioned at the classroom entrance, the one who greeted me so cheerfully wasn't Kaneko, of course, but Toue.
She had a friendly way of speaking, with a face that suggested the lie she'd told my aunt was actually the truth. Ignoring my and everyone else's confusion, she grabbed my wrist just like yesterday. And then, she pulled. As if dragging me to an amusement park attraction, she led me under the desk covered in graffiti, scratches, and trash—the desk I had used for only one day. Which means, this is Toue's desk now, though.
"Ha ha ha, I got bullied!"
Toue, gloating triumphantly without even cleaning. Surely the punchline isn't that she brought me here because she's on the beautification committee or something. By the way, I just noticed, but Toue was only wearing socks. That was Toue for you, in her socks.

The "Why?" I swallow tastes like metal.
"You know, it seems like someone saw me going home with you yesterday, Ese-kun. So, far from stopping the bullying, *I* got made to quit being a bully."
She makes an effort to create a soft pause with a deflated 'Nahahaha' laugh.
"What's wrong? You're sighing."
"No... I was just thinking, I'm sorry." ...That's a lie, though.
"It's fine. I told you, right? I'm transferring. Stuff like this doesn't bother me at all."
Since she's wearing short sleeves, Toue uses her bare arm as a rag, sweeping the trash off the desk onto the floor.
Perhaps something sharp was mixed in, as a line appeared on Toue's arm, and blood welled up.
"So, with that, let's really become friends. ...No good?"
Unusually, she looks anxious, and the end of her sentence lacks force. It's like her voice hasn't quite shaken off its moisture.
Kaneko, who's been listening to the whole exchange from a nearby seat, is also watching me silently with an 'Oh, how mysterious' expression.
"Um..." My supposedly neutral backpack digs into my shoulder, as if to force my decision to a head.
Avert your eyes from what you can see through, and grant a summer vacation even to the things you desire.
I gave a small, steady nod.
Besides, even if I refused, she'd probably just start grilling me with 'Why, why, why?' with a completely reversed level of understanding.

Changing the lightbulb of Toue's mood. It suddenly brightens with a 'pop,' making me want to avert my eyes.
"Alright, alright, alright!" She ruffles my hair like crazy. Hey, stop it.
The roughness of her palm hurts, the stares from those around us are piercing, my cheeks are tingling uncomfortably, and more than anything, it felt like the scar on my head might be exposed, so I shook her hand off.
I want to offer a bitter piece of advice: Don't get too carried away.
Sure, it's probably fine for Toue since she's transferring, but still.
If it were decided that I too was setting off for new horizons, then I wouldn't mind stroking Toue's head and whatnot, aiming to become the pinnacle of weird duos. Yep, of course, that's a lie, though.
Because it's pointless.
Even if I start something new, my true nature won't disappear to anywhere.
Toue—though she was probably like that from the start—stopped caring at all about what others thought, became friends with me, and as a result, I started getting bullied even more overtly.
Stationery started appearing frequently in my school lunch.
If I stepped out of the classroom for a bit, the door would end up locked.
My paints, inkstone case, and recorder kept at school were all broken to the point where you'd have to call them 'formerly' those things.
Akaike, who had abruptly stopped skipping school, took over as the leader of the bullying against us, furious above all at Toue's 'betrayal,' and would send spit flying disgustingly.
This became the sparks of trouble that rained down on both me and Toue.
Even so, Toue would get excited and laugh cheerfully, just like when we first met.
This time, in order to play with me.
And just like that, the first semester ended.
So, this means I'll never see Toue again, as she'll be gone before the second semester starts. ...That's a lie, though.

My first summer vacation in a long time was a summer vacation spent playing with Toue.
Because I was bored. Because I'd finished my review. Because the homework was easy. Because I had nothing to do. Because the kind Koibi-sensei, who would lend me manga, wasn't at my aunt and uncle's house. Because it was hot. Because Toue invited me... well, let's banish that last one to a remote island.
So, as a reason (excuse) to go out to the school pool during the day, it was a passing grade by combination. August 1st. Today, too, I was meeting Toue in front of the school gate. We'd decided to meet at 12:30, about thirty minutes before the pool opened, but whenever I arrived at that time, Toue would always be there, hands clasped behind her back, looking up at the blue sky. She wore a deep red cap, unrelated to school.
Even though her vision seemed considerably blocked by that cap, her head would react as soon as I got close. Toue's skin was just as white as when I first saw her; it hadn't changed at all. Um, or should I say she's *maintaining* it? Not that it matters. Either way, she's close to being a ghost.
Or perhaps, a product of my delusions... No, that's not it.
"Hey, hey, Ese-kun, you're spacing out too much, as usual." Toue, who had approached before I knew it, was looking down at me.
From an outsider's perspective, it looked like a male student being picked on by an older female student.
Toue's open palm pushed my chest repeatedly, forcing me backward. While offering insincere apologies like "Sorry," I let myself be pushed for a while, until I bumped into a kid walking behind me—probably a younger student—and that was the end of that.
Toue pushed up the brim of her cap with a finger and squinted suspiciously at my head.
"That's it, Ese-kun—your hair is too long and shaggy. That's why heat gets trapped and you space out," she interpreted, grabbing and pulling my bangs.
When I brushed it off with a "Hey, stop it," Toue showed interest in my unfamiliar reaction.
"You don't like having your hair touched?" She reached out to touch it again, so I leaned back to avoid her.
The younger student I'd bumped into earlier glanced back at us just once.
"I don't like it. Because the scar shows."
I was hit full force by my father with the metal bat my mother had bought for me.
I think it's a scar that, for various reasons, shouldn't be acknowledged, so I've made sure no one sees it.
I've arbitrarily entrusted my hair with the mission of growing for that very purpose.
"You wouldn't like it if someone touched your head either, would you, Hamana-san?"
I retorted, aiming to change the subject. Toue placed a forefinger on her chin, her eyes darting around.
"Hmm, well, normally. But for you, Ese-kun, I'll give permission. Go ahead and touch it."
Toue takes off her cap. "Go on, go on," she says, pressing her head against me. Her hair gets caught between my chin and her scalp, and it's quite painful. Watching Toue thrust her head forward, the phrase 'salt and pepper' somehow popped into my mind. Honestly, I don't get it at all myself, but Toue's head was in the way.
Therefore, instead of pushing it away, I tried touching her hair.

Toue's hair is slightly warm, and abundantly soft.
"Feels pretty nice to touch, right?"
It flows without any snags, like stroking soft cloth with my palm.
"Yeah, seems like it'd be good for strangling someone."
"...Thanks for the new use. I just felt like strangling you right now."
Toue shakes her head, and this time it's my hand that gets shaken off. She puts her cap back on, and we start walking side by side.
Her sandals make a sticky, slapping sound next to me. The sound, different in hardness from my own footsteps, reminded me of a penguin.
"Hm? What is it?"
Noticing my sidelong glance, Toue reacts sharply. "Hm? Hm?" she repeats, clearly expecting some kind of word from me. I felt an urge to pinch that duck-like pout of hers.
Because I answer "It's nothing" here, instead of saying "You look like a penguin," I probably won't gain anything—or so I self-analyzed.
But that's fine.
Seeing Toue's dissatisfied face confirms it.
I turn my face forward again and narrow my eyes against the wind coming head-on.
A strong, hot wind is blowing today.
On days like this, walking while holding my head with my hand had become a complete habit.

I don't dislike getting in the pool, but I don't like the radio calisthenics we do beforehand.
While I'm at it, changing in the locker room wasn't preferable either.
Because I was a girl! ...That's obviously a lie.
Since pool usage times are divided by grade level, almost all my classmates end up gathered in the same space. So, it was inevitable that I'd get hassled by the guys who bully me, and their ringleader was Akaike.
The place was already closed off, a sealed room, oppressively hot, and filled with the smell of disinfectant. And since Akaike always positioned himself next to me there, the element of 'clean air'—one of the merits of the countryside—ceased to function. Akaike would come next to me and hit the back of my head with his elbow. "You're small, so it's a perfect target, huh?" he'd say, approaching me with a malicious smile, not even feigning a token apology. Other classmates, too, the ones who came with their swimsuits under their clothes, would take the opportunity as they quickly left the locker room to shout "Boom!" or whatever, contorting their faces as they slammed into me. My left shoulder ended up crashing repeatedly into a grimy locker, and it looked like I'd get more bruises.
Even if the leader changes, the members who do the bullying don't, and their attitude is maintained. Groups have that ability to fill in any gaps, which makes them convenient, and perhaps troublesome.
But the fact that bullies go out of their way to come to the school pool, which is voluntary participation, that part feels very elementary-schooler-like... or so goes an accompanying thought, one that doesn't quite grasp my own position.
"Playing with Toue again today, huh?"
Ignoring Akaike, who spoke to me in a low voice, as if his voice had already broken, I take off my shirt. The locker room is dim, so it's helpful that my body's scars are hard for others to see.
I wonder if Misono Mayu-chan also thinks the same thing when she changes with the other girls.

...Hmm, but does she even participate in swimming and stuff— Oof! My left ear was punched with a fist.
"Listen when someone's talking to you, dumbass. Even a criminal can use Japanese, can't they?"
The new leader, Akaike, followed up by punching me in the side and stomping his heel on the top of my foot.
That smug face of his looked like it would burst if pricked with a needle. His new face could probably be replaced with a balloon.
What is it with this guy? Instead of taking it out on me, he should just talk to Toue.
Finishing changing while being hit, I then looked up at Akaike.
Just by me narrowing my eyes slightly, Akaike would get timid. It seems the memory of me kicking back at him is deeply ingrained. Or perhaps, his past as a former bullied kid is about to be exposed.
But even so, perhaps because he prided himself on his superior physique, he had a tendency to try and eliminate my gaze with violence. Before that, though, he seemed to manage to form a word or two with his clumsy tongue.
"Your germs, see, they're gonna spread to Toue who's with you. Poor Toue, huh?"
"You should say that directly to Hamana-san. She's the one inviting me to hang out."
Though it's probably impossible for Akaike, who can't even call her by her first name to her face.
Almost at the same time as I turned to leave the locker room, Akaike's breathing grew heavy. Akaike's hand, swung sideways, struck my face horizontally upwards. And then that hand swept further up, flipping up my bangs and everything else. Not good, I sensed with a bitter taste in the back of my molars.
Akaike's anger subsided, and interest ensnared his gaze, fixing it on my scalp.
I immediately covered it with both hands, but of course, it meant nothing more than compounding my shame.
Even so, the cells in my hands moved on their own accord.
Akaike observed it—something that hadn't even fully become a scar yet—and contorted his already unpleasant expression into one of disgust.
"What the hell is that scar?"
"How should I know?" Before I engaged him and revealed any weaknesses, I fled.
Akaike looked like he was about to chase me, so I quickened my pace, intending to go straight back to my aunt's house, but Toue, who was waiting, grabbed my wrist and forced my feet towards the disinfectant pool.

Even if I say I'm playing with Toue, it's not like we do anything special, nor do we have much time.
At the school pool, most of the time was taken up by about six people lining up, getting in the water, and swimming twenty-five meters one way. We were only allowed to do as we pleased for about the last twenty minutes.
But after swimming continuously for an hour or more, even when we were let loose to play freely, everyone was too tired to move much. Many kids were just floating around like sea otters.
Toue and I were much the same, not moving around extravagantly, just talking intently at the edge of the pool.
"Don't you have any intention of trying to get along with Akaike?"
It's only for the short period of summer vacation, but I tried suggesting to Toue that she try to get Akaike to sheathe his spear of anger.