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Once something is broken, it can't be fixed, no matter what you do.
You live on, piling up the wreckage.
Me, her, and so many other people.
Lying Mii-kun and
Broken Maa-chan 11
Love is Beyond XX

Chapter 1: Never
It felt like I was always thinking, "A long time has passed since then." That's how many things had happened, and each one left something in my heart. That "something" sometimes became my very life, and it was difficult to assign any superiority or inferiority to it.
It was an accumulation of so many, countless "thens." At each and every moment, I had lived while agonizing over trying to choose the best option. As a result, a mountain of regrets was born. I can't forget a single one.
That's why I can't forget.
...But, well.
If I'm alive like this now, then perhaps it was all for the best in the end.
Blinded as if my eyes were plucked by the dreamlike, gentle sunlight, what am I feeling?
As the air I deeply inhaled reached my hands and feet, I let my thoughts wander.

"There once were sisters who didn't resemble each other much."
Once upon a time, in a certain place, in a certain era, there were twin sisters.
The older sister describes the younger sister thus:
"Compared to me, she's an idiot."
The younger sister describes the older sister thus:
"A very capable Nee-sama."
The older sister greatly resembles their father.
"Compensate me."
The younger sister, when she laughs, is the spitting image of their mother.
"Ahahaha!"
The two of them care for each other very much.
"Huh?"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
They like dogs.
"Normal."
"They're simple, I love 'em!"
They also like cats.
"..."
"It foamed at the mouth!"
They dislike their parents.
"Naturally."
"It's puberty, after all!"
But they actually love their parents very much.
"That's not true."
"That's not true."
And then, the younger sister asked.
"Do you think I'm the culprit?"
The older sister said.
"My little sister is the culprit."

As I was passing by before heading home, I overheard some classmates chatting, so I kindly enlightened them. The boys' eyes all turned to me in unison, and they fell silent, but I skipped the Q&A and quickly left the classroom.
Once the answer is out, anything more said is pointless.
When I stepped out of the second-year classroom into the hallway, the lingering warmth of people thinned slightly. As I inhaled the air that had replaced a slight stuffiness, my lungs seemed to expand, round and cool. The hurried footsteps of those heading to club activities, the slow footsteps of friends chatting leisurely. Blending in, I descended the stairs, mulling it over: yes, that's how it is.
My little sister is probably the culprit, I think.
But if that's the case, then I, after all, have no choice but to act. After all, my little sister is an idiot, and I am exceedingly clever. That being the case, I can't just leave my hopeless little sister to her own devices.
That's what an older sister is.
That's a lie, though.
It was written that way in the contemporary Japanese textbook too.
My own footsteps, mixed with those of others, I couldn't tell if they were light or heavy.

I had decided to play detective after school today.
As I was changing my shoes at the shoe lockers, something lightly bumped me from my side to my back. When I looked up, boys were rushing about. It seems one bumped me as he passed by.
"My bad."
The boy looked at me apologetically and scratched his neck.
"Don't worry about it. Uhm... Kaneda?"
"Then are you Tetsuo? It's Kaneko."
My classmate, whose name I'd vaguely remembered, gave a wry smile.
"I'm sorry. I'm not good at remembering people's names and faces."
"Ah, that sounds like you."
"But I did that on purpose just now."
In reality, my memory wasn't bad. I just make a point of showing vulnerability.
A creature with no openings is met with caution. It's better to play the fool a little.
However, being unable to keep playing the fool is my personality, and my bad habit.
I casually brushed off Kaneko's exasperated "Hey, c'mon..." and left the school building. We weren't close enough to talk for long.
However, after walking part of the way, I glanced back for some reason and saw Kaneko heading towards the kendo hall. Kendo, huh. If I kept at it, I wonder if I could become strong.
I turned back to face forward before our eyes could meet. As if in sync with my movement, a strong wind pushed my shoulder. Cold air seemed to swirl up from the ground, wet from the morning rain, stealing the heat from my skin. I like it when the winter air blows fiercely, as if it refuses to stay still. Along with the chill, the world feels dim and blue.
"...Hmph."
I stroked my cheek. It's a problem if it gets dry and my skin chaps.
On a cold day like this, I'd normally want to hurry home, but I can't do that. We're supposed to be living in the same house, so my sister might be there, but I knew I wouldn't be able to find her.
Leaving the school, I started walking towards the hospital visible on my right. A building far more imposing than the school stood just across the narrow road. A long shadow stretching from it darkened the edge of the school grounds.
The road beside the hospital was also cloaked in shadow, the air a notch colder. Passing through there, I entered a residential area, and stopped once I stepped onto a disused railway crossing.
I was walking alone. There was no sign of anyone in the surrounding parking lots or irrigation channels, yet there were two presences.
I had the feeling someone was tailing me. It had been like that ever since I left school. Even if I turned around, naturally, no one was there.
If someone was there despite being unseen, it was probably my sister.
It was a common occurrence.
[.......]
Now, to change the subject.
I crossed the railway tracks. Trains had stopped running on this line long before I was born. The idea that the world existed before I was born always made my senses tilt their head in confusion, no matter when I thought about it.
I walk. Deviating from my way home, I continue walking. My footsteps, unmixed with others', sounded hard, and I felt a slight impatience. Was it because I couldn't shake the feeling of being followed? Or was I simply hurrying because it was cold?
Why would anyone cause an incident in such a harsh season? I resented such a thing.
I have plenty of complaints, but like a good older sister, I have to find my younger sister. I have no leads, so all I can do is visit the crime scenes, but if I keep moving, my sister will probably start moving too. If she moves, I might be able to find her. Just as a cat's eyes have trouble spotting motionless things, a motionless sister cannot be found. Perhaps.
Just thinking about it seemed to make my cold nose feel even drier.
Caught by a red light, I stopped. As I stood there, I took hold of the hair that had flowed over my shoulder. It's gotten long, I thought. When I let my hair grow out, someone said I resembled a Miss So-and-so Whatchamacallit. Since it was someone I'd met before, I did feel that might indeed be the case. Enough that I'd even be convinced if that person were my mother.
But the existence of my twin sister denied it.
I thought for a moment about my mother, who seemed like she'd be taking a nap, and waited for the light to turn green.
Eventually, it turned green. I moved forward.
Not chasing anyone in particular, uncertainly, straight ahead.
The town I live in is peaceful. Because there are few people and things, nothing ever happens, as if it's withered.
But now, in such a town, an incident is occurring.
A serial murder case. To be precise, it's disappearances, and no bodies have been found, but well, they're probably dead. That's what I thought. Isn't that what everyone else thinks too? It's dangerous, but not particularly unusual. In this world, in the blink of an eye, someone is dying somewhere.
People dying may or may not be precious, but it is commonplace.
This murder case (provisional), I'm not entirely unrelated to it, but it's uncertain if I can do anything about it. I couldn't possibly have the power to interfere in people's lives and deaths. More than some bloody incident, I wish my sister would devote herself to more trivial matters, if possible.
My sister being a murderer—that's hardly a comforting thought.
Especially when our parents are what they are, causing us enough trouble as it is.
It's not that I hate my parents. I don't resent them either. It's just that there were few reasons to keep on liking them.
That's why I left home and am living with relatives. With my sister. Together, or so it should be.
Pinching my lower lip, I looked left and right, but all I could see were cars and a kindergarten.
When I looked up, I felt I could faintly catch another set of footsteps.
My sister might indeed be there. However, I can't perceive her.
From a certain day onwards, I became unable to see my sister.
I'm not even sure what day it was, how many years ago. I just have a feeling it was six or seven years ago. There shouldn't be any gaps in my memory, yet I just can't recall it. Just because she's not there doesn't mean my sister is dead. Even when I casually asked the people around me, I never got that kind of answer. Everyone, without exception, says this:
"Your sister? Isn't she right there?"
It's easier to prove that I'm the one who's mad, rather than the whole world. Like a door coming off an old house, like a screw coming loose, my perception must have broken down. Because of that, I was now taking this roundabout way.
My name is Edase Ayu.
I'm just an ordinary older sister, constantly being led around by my good-for-nothing younger sister.
"...However, well."
Rubbing my hands to warm them, my eyes darted around.
"Nee-sama!"
"You're too loud."
"S'rry! Ssu!"
It doesn't cause any inconvenience, so I haven't thought about it much, but sometimes, I do find it strange.
Why did I become unable to see my sister?

As I was running to the shoe lockers, *kyuin kyuin*, I spotted Nee-sama's back in the hallway.
Calling out to her, I pushed her school bag, and Nee-sama turned around looking annoyed. The space between her eyebrows and the lines of her eyes became straight, as if forming an intersection, her meticulous personality taking shape right there.
I apologized with all my heart and soul. Nee-sama's "intersection" warped, mainly diagonally upwards.
"No, it's fine. Really."
After my sister sighed, she grabbed my wrist and pulled me along.
"Don't talk until we're outside."
"Just a little longer."
Nee-sama ordered me, so I nodded silently, *koku koku*. A younger sister is supposed to listen to what her older sister says. But wondering just how far "outside" meant, I let Nee-sama lead me by the hand out of the school building. The sun shone down as if to wet my eyebrows, and I looked around, *kyoro kyoro*, wondering if this was "outside" or not.
Nee-sama told me. Not yet, apparently. Where could Nee-sama's "outside" be, I wondered, and followed silently. Even though I was just keeping my mouth shut, I gradually started to feel out of breath. It seems I'd even forgotten to breathe. I felt like I'd become a fish in a fish tank. But then I remembered along the way, fish can breathe in water, can't they?
Just as we passed through the main gate, Nee-sama turned around and looked startled.
"Why is your face red?"
I wanted to tell her it was because I wasn't breathing, but since I was forbidden to speak, it was difficult. When I pointed to my mouth, Nee-sama's eyes widened, then she put her hand to her forehead and shook her head exaggeratedly.
"You can talk now."
"Ohh, so this is out— Hoge."
I looked around, *kyoro kyoro*. While I was at it, I took a deep breath. It certainly was outside. ...But what is "outside"? This place is certainly further out than the school. But beyond "outside," there are many more sights. Power lines dividing the sky, the shadow of a building stretching like a leaning tower, rice paddies colored by the burning sunset. Beyond that, mountains of calm hues sat solidly, settled as if to encircle the town.
This place looks like it's inside the mountains, but is it okay to call it "outside"?
Beyond the mountains, there's another view, and if you go further, there's a universe like the ones I've seen in picture books. My consciousness pushes on and on, endlessly.
"Your eyes are glazed over."
Nee-sama grabbed my cheeks and chin and wobbled my head. My eyes spun around, *koro koro*, and my thoughts were cut off. No answer remained.
What on earth does it mean to "go outside"? I wondered, repeating my breaths. For a short while, the circulation had been cut off, and the accumulated warmth escaped from my throat. The air I inhaled in its place had a chilled taste that made my throat tense.
*Suu haa, suu haa.*
"The outside air is deliciouuus!"
"...You really should think a little before you speak."
I was thinking a lot, but oh well.
"Let's go hoooome."
"You're energetic..."
As I walked, bouncing along with straight knees, Nee-sama commented in a dazed tone.
We usually go to school together, but it's rare for us to head home at the same time. I usually play around after school, but Nee-sama goes straight home. *Chokki*. The meaning's probably different.
"Nee-sama, did you play dodgeball too?"
"Of course not."
"Right?"
Nee-sama doesn't have any friends, after all. She probably went to the library or something.
"What's so fun about hitting people with a ball?"
"It's a thrill!"
"I don't get it at all."
When I explained it with throwing gestures, she looked down on me with narrowed eyes. Hmm? Did she look down on me? "I'm not getting any of it," she said, twirling her hand beside her head.
Nee-sama is a peaceful person.
Walking along, watching the distant setting sun, I got hungry. Probably because it was such an appetizing color.
"I wanna go home quick, y'know!"
"Why?"
"'Cause I want a snack!"
"That's what I thought."
"Nihehe."
If I eat it without permission, I'll get scolded, so a direct confrontation is necessary, though.
A shadow fell over Nee-sama's face. The faint darkness stretching from her eyes and nose colored her expressionless face.
"I wonder. They're pretty strict about that sort of thing."
Then, I looked up at Nee-sama's profile as she silently faced forward. She had a difficult expression, as if her eyes and lips were being pulled taut. Nee-sama rarely softens her expression. Just like Father. Maybe she's not good at smiling. I'm great at it!
"What's with the creepy face?"
She can't even do something this simple; is Nee-sama really that smart?
"...Such a carefree person."
Nee-sama's stern eyebrows seemed to loosen, softening just a little.
Carefree, huh. I haven't been called that much, but I'm sure it's a good thing.
"S'cold."
Spacing out. Not thinking about anything. I feel like I have a lot of time like that. It's wonderful.
Because I'm smart, I probably don't have to think too much.

There was nothing but this ridiculous thing, but I couldn't overlook it, so I confronted it.
I managed to land one hit, but I was quickly overpowered in return.
I learned for the first time what humiliation felt like.
Even now, I've never forgotten it.

I felt like I hadn't seen Nee-sama in a long time.
It probably wasn't just my imagination. Even though we were supposed to be living in the same town, strange things happened. It was as if I were in a different world, and when that happened, even looking back at the ordinary townscape, I felt a certain flavor to it. A faint taste, though, one that would slip through my teeth as soon as I tried to savor it.
Walking with my face slightly upturned, the winter air seemed to brush against the tip of my nose. At first, my breathing, accompanied by that refreshing coldness, started to hurt my lungs as I repeated it. It's been cold since morning. No, maybe it's because it's morning.
The morning glow hasn't yet begun to breathe; a tranquil time of day. Though dim, the night is trying to give way to dawn. The sight of the rising sun is refreshing to watch, so I'm craning my neck waiting for it, but it's slow to arrive. At this rate, I felt like I'd reach my destination first.
I learned long ago that light refracts and changes color. To be precise, it just looks like it has changed, I suppose. I hear it's all originally white. Maybe human personalities are fundamentally the same, and we're just seeing different, refracted colors.
The problem is that those hues are often painful even to look at.
I passed by a famous ramen shop. Only a kei car was parked in the long, narrow parking lot. This is where I'd want to warm up from the core of my body with some Viet Miso Ramen. But of course, it wouldn't be open in the early morning.
*Zubibi*, I sniffled my non-runny nose as I passed by. Every time I pass, I think about coming someday, but by the time I'm away, I forget. It was like the path to an island disappearing with the ebb and flow of the tide.
But still, it's cold. My right hand especially is noticeably colder.
Before, I used to make excuses to carry it, but I realized I'd be suspected anyway, so now I carry it openly on my shoulder. I'm talking about my metal bat. Carrying it around calms me. If I don't have it, my arm sometimes trembles.
It was an addiction. *Gyuu, gyuu*, my fingers, stuck to the grip, creaked.
I approached a small intersection near the school. On the corner, a defunct gas station remained. It had closed when I was in middle school, and its walls and pillars were soot-stained, as if to show the passage of time. If I stepped on the dirty floor and turned around, it felt like I'd see footprints, even though there was no snow or rain.
Trying to take a shortcut by cutting diagonally across, I found some small graffiti on the building's wall. It piqued my interest a little, so I got closer. Deliberately dragging the tip of my bat to make a sound, I closed the distance and came face-to-face with an illustration by an unknown artist.
"What's this graffiti?" I brought my face close and sneered. I could barely tell it was supposed to be a fish.
"Lines utterly lacking in taste."
I voiced the expression that came to my intuition. How should I put it? It looked like a crude thing, as if someone had just drawn lines without understanding the meaning of drawing a picture. Even a child would have more of an image in mind.
"If it's this lacking, it's not even a picture anymore. What is this?"
Ahahaha, I laughed, though it wasn't particularly funny. I was good at laughing.
[ > > > ...... ] ] ]
It's too easy, I've even lost the ability to think deeply about why I laugh.
"You look like you're having fun."
Suddenly, a voice called out.
"Yes, very much! I'm just trembling with joy!"
I shifted my feet, stepped slowly, and tried to remain calm.
While I was debating whether to swing my metal bat as I turned, a man in a green hat had come to stand beside me. The freckles on his cheeks gave him a slightly youthful air. He peered at the drawing on the wall in the same posture as me.
"A fish, perhaps?"
"It's a fish, isn't it? Speaking of local fish, it's got to be ayu."
Ayu. Aaah-yu. Without voicing it, he moved his chin up and down significantly.
"A fish away from the water has a unique sort of breathlessness, doesn't it?"
I wonder, I tilted my head. Just black lines writhing on a wall; it didn't evoke any particular emotion in me.
Is this man a poet?
"People around here apparently eat ayu every day."
"Well, yes. It's like a ritual, you see."
"Ohh?"
"Iyahaha."
"I see. So you're a big liar, then?"
"Well now..."
Alright then. Now that we'd deepened our friendship a bit, I decided to ask.
"Who are you?"
He was a complete stranger. I'd never seen him walking around the neighborhood, and the air about him was different. Not the smell of earth, but the gray scent of the city. Besides, he was talking about "people around here" as if he wasn't one of them.
"How do I look to your eyes?"
"A weird old guy."
The man asked back as if testing me. So, I answered what I saw.
"An old guy, huh... Well, I guess so."
He squirmed while holding his hat. He'd become a genuine weird old guy.
Normally, I shouldn't get involved with him, but I loved strange things.
"Then how do I look to you?"
The weird old guy adjusted his hat and then looked up. He struck a "Hmm" pose, but after just a glance, the sparkle in his eyes faded as if he'd lost interest.
"A dangerous... young lady."
"Why was there such an awkward pause?"
"No, it's nothing. Yes."
He cleared his throat once and looked away.
"Haha...ha."
"Or perhaps a baseball club member."
"No way, do I look like that?"
When I put my hands on my cheeks and squirmed coyly, he grumbled, "You don't." You're the one who said it in the first place!
"But you only say such simplistic things."
"Sorry for not meeting your expectations."
"With such superficial observation skills, you can't become a detective, you know."
Her laughter slid from side to side, sounding dry.
"What are you doing in a place like this?"
"Same to you."
It became ambiguous who had spoken first. Probably, he had asked first.
"Just a little... ah, well, it's curiosity. Purely out of interest."
He fiddled with his lower lip, a gesture to cover something up. Visiting such an empty place just out of interest, huh.
"Yeah."
"Do you come to places like this as a hobby?"
"This early in the morning?"
"Ah, well..."
"Mister, don't you have to work?"
I asked, feigning innocence. The weird old guy smiled and took it lightly.
"Isn't it strange for you to be here at this time on a weekday too?"
"I'm strange to begin with."
Hohoho, I answered smoothly.
They say I resemble my slightly odd mother, so of course, I'm not normal.
My back isn't as straight as Nee-sama's.
Silently, I placed my hand on the wall. I peered at the fish. A river was born in my heart, its water level rising.
What is this fish? My back naturally hunched.
"Is it a tasteful picture?"
The man asked such a question, as if observing my reaction.
Asked if it has taste, I chew. I grind my molars and swallow.
What welled up in my throat was dry.
"It only tastes of winter."
I straightened my body. When I tried to move to another place, the man followed, keeping a certain distance.
I turned around. I wrapped my little finger around the bat's grip. Early morning, refreshing.
"Uhm, y'see..."
"Yes, yes?"
"My Tou-sama, Kaa-sama, and Nee-sama told me not to follow strange people. So, in other words, even if you follow me, it's a biiit of a problem, y'see."
I aimed the bat at the hat man's forehead. The hat man approached, swinging the duralumin case he carried as if it were a swing.
"My, that's rather overprotective."
"Ah, maybe Kaa-sama didn't say that."
I don't have much memory of talking with Kaa-sama. She must have been involved in everyday things, but there were no exchanges that left a strong impression. But I understood well enough what kind of person Kaa-sama was just by watching her actions.
Hmm.
She's a person with a narrow world. Many times thinner, colder, and harder than other people.
I don't intend to deny it. It's just that Nee-sama and I are not included in her values.
Given life by such a person, Nee-sama and I came into this world.
When I let my thoughts wander there, a strange feeling arises, as if transparent dewdrops are filling my palm.
"I still don't know the details, but you have business with me, right?"
"That's part of it, yes."
"Through Tou-sama?"
"Now, I wonder. There's such a thing as confidentiality."
He evaded the question, but who else would ask him? Koujizaka? No way. He's probably a watchdog, to make sure I don't do anything terrible by society's standards. Tou-sama is always with Kaa-sama, so it's hard for him to move around. As long as he's devoted to Kaa-sama, Tou-sama's world becomes equally narrow. Tou-sama throws himself into it as if he desires it, yet he struggles, not wanting to lose his connections with those around him.
In short, he's selfish.
Well, never mind that.
Wandering around town alone is boring, I have no leads, so this isn't bad.
If he's an eccentric, all the more convenient.
"Then that's perfect."
"Hmm?"
Shouldering my metal bat, I invited him as if starting a baseball game.
When I looked up, the morning sun had begun to mix into the scenery that sparkled in the winter chill.
"I'm looking for an exceptionally dangerous person. Will you help me find them?"
My name is Edase Mai.
I'm a very ordinary human who can't live without hurting others.

"What a clumsy drawing."
I frankly assessed the graffiti on the wall. What is this boring picture?
Creating a fish in a place with no moisture, what meaning is there in that?
The place I arrived at was a coffee shop. A former one, that is. It closed many years ago, and only the building remains as it was. The green of the roof, mixed with the slanting sunlight, painted lush patterns on the wall. The fish drifted in the gaps between those swaying patterns. Placing my hand on the soot-stained, blackened wall, I met the fish's gaze.
This is said to be the crime scene, but this graffiti probably has nothing to do with it.
It seems to be intended as an ayu, but from my perspective, it was a picture that could also be a mackerel or a tuna. In other words, its potential is infinite. I surmise that this desolate picture contains such an artistic viewpoint.
So.
Of course, that's a lie, though.
No way.
But even if I found such graffiti, there's no way I'd know my sister's whereabouts. There was another fish on my way to school, and I had just stared at that one at length this morning, until I was tired of looking at it. A river fish. Ayu. My name.
It's not entirely absurd to connect it to me.
Was my sister good at drawing? I have many memories of playing together, but I don't quite remember that. That's probably because Father had gently forbidden us from drawing portraits. He never clearly stated the reason, but it was undoubtedly out of consideration for Mother. Father basically only acts for Mother's sake.
Is that consideration, or self-preservation?
I don't dislike Father, but I didn't think he was a good person either.
Well, never mind that.
Why am I so bothered by this fish drawing?
"...........What was it, I wonder."
Is it related to some vague memory with my sister?
*Zaaah*, the blood circulates.
Like catching a fingernail on a dark scab, elation and hesitation pile up. It threatens to crumble at any moment, a finger sinking deep, *zuburi*, and then...
Imagining it to the point of bleeding from the affected area, I get goosebumps. I stroked my arm over my clothes to calm myself. Even just an imaginary pool of blood makes me feel something akin to nausea.
I'm not good with blood. Though I don't know if anyone is.
My mood worsened, and since just being exposed to the winter wind indefinitely would only make me colder, I decided to go home. Where I turned to look, large garbage items were piled up in the deserted front parking lot. No human arm was protruding from among them.
On the surface, the town was perfectly calm.